Olympics opening ceremony
When I sat down to watch all 239 minutes of Danny Boyle’s fire-throwing, Tolkein-inspired, industrial-revolution-lamenting, living diorama that was the London Olympics 2012 opening ceremony, so packed full of whimsical, cinematic magic was the display that YouTube and every other online video host failed to even play it.
This has absolutely nothing to do with my laptop’s slow and inconvenient crawl towards death, and is definitely the result of too much brain-dazzling spectacularity by Sir Danny Boyle.
Some might argue that the Olympics opening ceremony wasn’t a film, but then, if that’s true, how come I can buy it on DVD? And why did Danny Boyle direct it, not Jonny Olympiad?
Because it’s the finest slice of celluloid you’ll ever taste is why, I can’t even remember any of the post-ceremony events. Was there, like, sports or something? It’s I’ll be here in sunshine or in shadow. Oh, Danny boyle, oh, Danny boyle, I love you so.
Choose to not go to your lectures. Choose to avoid talking to your mates. Choose to sit quietly in an abandoned part of the science block. Choose to open this magazine onto this page. Choose my column first. Choose Trainspotting. Choose an actual film.
Apparently you need no reasons to live when you have heroin. That could be an idea when you’re stuck in semester X. Don’t do heroin, but do watch this movie; then thank me later for not making you do heroin.
Trainspotting, or Danny Boyle’s “Why the fuck did I have to be Scottish?” diary entry, has everything you could need in a first date movie. Dead babies climbing walls, the worst toilet in Scotland, and the practicing of safe sex. Don’t do heroin, do use contraceptives, we following so far kids?
Featuring the sexiest look of Ewan McGregor outside of a galaxy far far away, our protagonist is literally the embodiment of all of us. Just look at his mates Psycho, skinny man number one, Blondie, Girl, skinny man number two. Great bunch of lads, easy to relate to. Definitely appeals to a wide demographic of voters.
If you haven’t seen Trainspotting, get ready for some bangin’ choons, some wacked out Sean Connery knowledge and some tight skinny jeans that’ll make your mother cry. Choose Trainspotting.
28 Days Later
Best Danny Boyle film you ask? Why there’s only one thing that could possibly be, 28 Days Later. Not only is this the film that resurrected the zombie genre by replacing the shambling undead with the rage-infected living, but it also turned Cillian Murphy into an international star by having him wake up stark naked in an abandoned hospital.
Brendan Gleeson, Naomie Harris and Christopher Eccleston, while considerably more clothed, all put in great performances as well. If it weren’t for this film we wouldn’t have John Murphy’s magnificent ‘In The House in a Heartbeat’ either.
Nor does any other film here have as great an alternate ending as 28 Days Later, where Danny Boyle directed it shot for shot with Cillian Murphy replaced by a chicken. How could you think that’s anything other than amazing?
Laura is overdue a defeat, while voting for Jack will only endorse his ambitions to grow a Begbie ‘stache and Emily has illustrated this week that she doesn’t understand what a film is. So please vote for this humble cautionary tale about why it’s not a clever idea to hug any old chimps that you just happen to find in a laboratory.
What does the word “best” mean anyway? Sure, you could take it to mean excellence, but isn’t that incredibly reductive? The Beach, Danny Boyle’s ode to getting tan and fucked up, is so much more than the sum of it’s many, many mediocre parts.
Leonardo DiCaprio stars as an American in Thailand seeking a level of danger and intrigue far beyond the traditional western practice of soliciting a hooker of indeterminate gender and hoping for the best.
Discovering the beach, a secret community of clichés run by Tilda Swinton, he gets straight to acting them out. DiCaprio and love-interest Francoise engage in Hollywood sex salvaged only by the raw musical power of ‘Pure Shores’ by All Saints, everyone calls marijuana “dope” like Mitt Romney wrote the screenplay, and Leo splashes around with a spare prop from Jaws.
While DiCaprio actually getting eaten by a shark would have presumably saved a lot of lingerie models a lot of effort by now, ‘Porcelain’ by Moby had not yet backed an underwater montage, so there was really nothing Boyle could do.
If you don’t think I’ve made my case for The Beach very well, you’ve obviously never had a completely false memory of it being good that drove you to volunteer it as a candidate for best Danny Boyle film, and there’s nothing more I can do for you.