In a post-apocalyptic California, a posse of rambunctious, foolhardy youths dominate the west coast beaches. They have sleeveless shirts and kitchen knives, and they’re the Surf Nazis.
Adolf, Smeg, Hook, and the rest of their evil reich are dousing beachgoers in their malevolent capering, and they’ll be damned if there’s anybody in town man enough to stop them, but hot dang there is. It’s the sassiest, bravest, toughest black woman that ever sought vengeance for the unjustified death of her son via surf nazi; it’s Jennifer Lawrence as Leroy’s Mama!
Amid a slew of sexual perversion and misguided teenage beach-related angst, ain’t nothin’ that cuts through the romping pranks of those Surf Nazi ruffians like the badassery of Leroy’s Mama.
This is a character that could only be made more outlandishly improbable and unconvincing through the unbeckoned installation of Jennifer Lawrence, whilst her addition paradoxically enhances the role’s credibility through infinitely better acting.
What else could a hugely improbable, beach-orientated, sci-fi horror made in the 80s possibly need other than the addition of Jennifer Lawrence? Here to make our heroine an even more renegade, mean-ass loose cannon who ain’t gon’ stop til Adolf and his boys taste some of Mama’s home cookin’.
Ten out of ten, would cast again.
Imagine a film set in a dystopian future where society has degenerated to the point where teenagers are forced to brutally murder one another as part of a sadistic blood sport. Does this sound familiar to you? It should do, as I’ve just described the modern cult classic, Battle Royale.
Now many would say that Battle Royale could not possibly be improved upon, but I say to these people, have you not considered how much more amazing this film could be with the addition of Jennifer Lawrence? Replacing Tatsuya Fujiwara with a strong female lead like J-Law could be a real game changer.
Jennifer Lawrence would be perfect as the plucky young heroine struggling to survive against the odds in a grim future, competing against enemies who hunger for her blood in a game to the death. In such a dire world she’d be a shining beacon of hope that audiences could really get behind.
This is such a perfect idea for a film; I’m surprised that no one has ever thought of it before. I think I’ll write a script for it called The Blood Thirst Trials and give my friends at Lionsgate a call; it sounds like the sort of thing they’d produce. I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank as this idea catches fire.
My friends here will try to explain to you that Jennifer Lawrence in Battle Royale is really subversive, and I can pretty much sum up Laura’s and Emily’s arguments. Lord of the Rings plus Jennifer Lawrence plus obscure reference plus something completely unrelated to film equals unbridled hilarity.
What if I was to tell you dear reader that I can provide all of these things, but in one pixie hair styled package? Bromances are a big thing lately, but just what would happen when we slightly mess up perhaps the greatest fictional nerdy bromance of all time? That’s of course, Han Solo and Chewbacca. Take out Chewbacca, enter Lewbacca.
That’s right, Jennifer Lawrence, wearing nothing but Chewie’s weird Wookie utility belt. And a gigantic fur coat, because I’m not a misogynist like you all thought I was going to be. This is not Imgur. This is real life.
If all of that’s not amazing enough, she has to do all the Wookie sound effects and mannerisms as well and it manages to make a forbidden love triangle between Chewie, Han and Leia.
Remember the scene where Han gets frozen; and Leia is all like: “I love you” and Han’s all like “I know”. The best part of that scene is the roar of anguish from Chewie. In J-Law’s hands, that’s guaranteed Oscar gold.
Okay, while I am by no means calling Jennifer Lawrence a dog, lets be honest: you wouldn’t necessarily be surprised to wake up to her licking your face. Sure, she’d somehow manage to look adorable and alluring while doing it, but everyone has their flaws… and paws.
Really, if J-Law has proven anything in her career thus far, it’s that she’s a truly versatile actress with wide ranging skills and a playful nature, getting her Shetland-sized St. Bernard on would serve as both a worthy challenge and a repertoire completing piece of art.
If you’ll take a moment to reflect on the last time you saw Beethoven; most likely during Christmas 1997, you may recall that George, the Newton family patriarch, takes an immediate dislike to Beethoven. No stranger to portraying characters who face adversity, Lawrence would be able to channel both her on-screen experiences as a depressive widow, a depressive wife, and a depressive archer, as well as her off-camera good nature in order to embody the dichotomy of our titular character.
She would be just the actress to make audiences worldwide feel, as if it were their own, the pain inherent in the insatiable desire for both shoe destruction and loving cuddles. Besides, her inevitable Oscar nomination would really put dog movies back on the map. Who doesn’t want that?