Fatal Fourway: Least Anticipated Films of 2013

 
 

Aoife – Movie 43

This year isn’t going to be a good year for the cinema and me. Every second release is a sequel to a film I never liked in the first place, or they’re adding some extra 3D to a film I didn’t like in the first place, just because they can. However, I would rather see all of these films twice than have to endure my least anticipated film of the year: Movie 43.

It looks so terrible in fact, that it may be my least anticipated film of all time, as well as being the sign of the end of civilisation as we know it. Aiming to be as outrageous and generally unnecessarily vulgar as possible, it claims it will remove all boundaries and have you in hospital for injuries sustained while laughing too hard.

They’re lying. The trailer is full of awful. Chock full of unrelenting awfulness. It seems like something even American Pie or Scary Movie would have rejected, mixed with some sort of piss-take on the Love Actually ensemble cast style film. There’s 12 storylines, each of them directed by a different person and quite possibly written by different writers, and mostly likely each with an extra dose of awful, just in case you weren’t put off just yet.

There’s more characters than live in the whole of Ireland, and each of them is played by an even bigger high profile star, with the list including Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Emma Stone, Uma Thurman, Stephen Merchant, Richard Gere and Kate Bosworth, among many, many others. The only explanation for their involvement is that The Farrelly Brothers know all of Hollywood’s secrets and have blackmailed them into being in the worst film ever made.

Watch the trailer. It’s worse than words can truly express.

Emer – A Good Day to Die Hard

While there are many movies to be excited about in 2013; Star Trek, At Worlds End, The Hobbit, rewatching Star Trek, there are also a lot of films due out this year that cause me pain to hear about. While it’s easy to ignore guaranteed shiteathons like Scary Movie 5Fast and Furious 17 and Smurfs 2: The Cashening, the movie that I am anticipating least of all is the latest instalment of Die Hard, because however bad I know it will be, I also know I will be compelled to see it.

Although I was a latecomer to the Die Hard franchise, I have embraced it with open arms. The first three Die Hard’s are a festival of excellent plot twists, fast paced action and clever dialogue. Then the fourth film came along. Bruce Willis, being pretty old for an action hero at this point, drafted in a youthful hacker side kick who, while not actually being Shia Le Beouf, is basically Shia Le Beouf. Instead of icy cool terrorists, the bad guys hack some traffic lights so that everyone is late for work. Meanwhile Willis drives a car into a helicopter so the audience doesn’t die of boredom.

The new film is equally unpromising. Willis must go to Russia to save his estranged/never previously mentioned son and given his track record, probably restart the Cold War in the process. Even with the brilliance of Bruce, there is little chance of a plot that makes sense. Considering the general downward trajectory of these films and the dramatic upward trajectory of Willis’ age, I am not looking forward to this arriving in cinemas. I’ll get the popcorn.

Anna – Scary Movie 5

There’s nothing like a sequel to tarnish the credibility of a once respected film. When that film wasn’t particularly good to begin with, and rather than a sequel you have the fifth installment you know not to place your expectations too high.

 

Scary Movie the original may contain some moments in which you’ll find yourself slightly amused, you might even let out a mild chuckle here and there. Yet whatever semblance of acceptability that original movie held has declined successively with each follow up.  Therefore by Scary Movie 5 the spoof franchise has reached a level of painful awfulness few movies can rival.  There is not one single aspect of this film that seems in any way redeeming.

Some films can argue that by very way of their horribleness, they become amusing; the saying of “it’s so bad, it’s good.” Yet the collection of Scary Movie films 2-4 seems to have gone beyond this, and I’m sure number five will follow suit.  What maybe could have passed for amusing slapstick has by this stage just become vile toilet humour that’s inherently unfunny. Unlike Die Hard or Star Wars, Scary Movie 5 really has no basis of credulity to fall back on; it’s the same joke they’ve been doing for years except more disgusting and more idiotic.

Certain movies can inspire you and lead to believe that humanity has some sense of worth, this movie is sure to quash any of those notions and leave you feeling hollow, questioning how man can create something so intrinsically valueless.

 

Conor Barry –  Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

It’s finally here, the film extravaganza that literally nobody has been waiting for, the re-release of the worst film from a subpar trilogy. Not only that, but you have the pleasure of watching this cinematic monstrosity in your favourite number of dimensions (namely three), a format that has been scientifically proven to make your eyes bleed and your brain cry.

Bringing old films kicking and screaming to back to our cinema screens has become increasingly common these days, with Hollywood desperately trying to reaffirm that 3D is in any way an improvement on your cinema-going experience. But at least some of the other 3D releases have the self-respect to be somewhat decent films. For example, the upcoming Jurassic Park 3D has the benefit of being Jurassic Park, but Attack of the Clones doesn’t even have the decency to be a good Star Wars film.

Remember that bit in Clones where Anakin Skywalker confesses his love to Padme, which shows his weakness in the force and hints at the beginning of his switch to the dark side? Nobody remembers that, but thankfully you’ll get a refresher of this scene in more dimensions than was originally intended, presumably helping to emphasise the emotions that nobody felt the first time.

While films like Die Hard and Scary Movie 5 are definitely going to be awful, at least the studios bothered to actually go and make a new film. Clones just lazily wanders from Xtra-vision to the cinema and plonks itself on the screen, throwing 3D glasses at everyone’s faces and charging them money for the privilege. Hurray for Hollywood.

 

 

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