FAH: Ireland in 3014


In their first instalment of 2014, Foil Arms and Hog ponder exactly what the future holds for this country?

It’s the start of another year and ambitious people and non-drinkers are looking seriously into the future, wondering what 2014 will hold for them. Instead of doing that, we’ve done what an average stoned philosophy student would do and looked forward 1,000 years and tried to picture what our county will be like.

When people think of future Dublin, they probably think of flying cars and connecting Luas lines, but judging by this year’s recent floods, one can only presume that by the year 3014, Dublin will resemble a shitter, more expensive version of Venice.

The city centre will be filled with junkies in dinghies, only perturbed by having their boats burst by the Spire. Trinity College will finally get that moat it has desired for centuries to keep those ‘filthy paddies’ out.

Dublin will have its own coral reef, mysterious treasures of which include a bronze busty statue of Molly Malone, whose knockers got considerably shinier over the years and over 6,000 Lidl shopping trollies.

In the only part of the city that’s not flooded, chewing gum on the paths will have grown into each other leaving a nice uniform black finish that ends up ripping your shoes from your feet. Temple Bar pints will have become so expensive that a tourist will have to make the decision between that one pint of Guinness or eating for the rest of the holiday.

Public transport will be even more dire, with Dublin Bus having commandeered the Viking Splash as its primary mode of transport, but the 17 will still be its worst route, only arriving every 65 tides (I don’t know if we’ll be made wear the hats, but I’m told the cheering will be mandatory).

Elsewhere, the countryside will have mixed fortunes. After the 2075 civil war, Cork will split and claim independence, but will re-join the republic five years later after they realise they have no one to complain to about Dublin.

Galway in contrast will be flush with cash after Supermacs became a global chain with outlets in Times Square, the Arch de Triomphe and Machu Picchu with the Dalai Lama himself having been seen eating a snack box outside a boozer at 4am in now-free Tibet.

Sadly, the Gaeltacht area will shrink catastrophically to just one old man sitting on a dry stone wall in Connemara tending to his flock of Aran sweaters still trying to find more creative Gaeilge translations for new words like ‘hóver cár’ and ‘an théléphórtation deviceanach’.

Although, geographically speaking, Ireland will be a different place. What will become of its citizens? Fashion wise, hipster jeans will become so skinny that a new type of leg will evolve comprised of squished cartilage and various pulleys.

Closer to home, the D4 accent will become so exaggerated and severe that it will cause lock jaw in 14-year-old girls who will in fact still be orange faced (albeit from some nuclear holocaust radiation burning). Here’s to the next millennium.