FAH: Food Bastards

 
 

There are many types of bigotry such as race, religion, sexual orientation and of course Roy Keane. But there are none quite so infuriating as food bigots.

A bigot is someone who is intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices, and there is no bigotry more widespread than that of food. It is a sad fact of this world that if you say you hate a particular food that someone loves, they will never believe you, and in turn try to force their own belief structure upon you. These are Food Bastards, and they are everywhere.

For example, I don’t like fish. I have many reasons for not liking fish, most of all I don’t like the taste. If that isn’t enough (and it should be), I also feel that it shouldn’t be possible for something edible to smell so horrendously.

Hog once fried mackerel in an apartment we were sharing and I swear to God, if there had been a nuclear blast that evening, the only things that would have survived would have been cockroaches and the smell of that fucking mackerel. In the end, to get rid of the stench, we had to hire those lads who cleaned the Maze prison in the early 80’s.

But it doesn’t matter what reasoning I use, because if you like fish you have instantly disregarded everything I’ve just said. In fact, you are now gearing up to name every possible fish you can think of, and say, “have you tried it?” and adding “it’s really not that fishy”. You’re a bastard.

Here’s a question for you: if your friend asked for their steak to be ‘well-done’, would you think less of them? The answer is, of course, YES. If you answered, “No, I like my steak well done’’ then you are a philistine, who has ruined a magnificent piece of meat. You might as well set tyre rubber alight and shove it into your uneducated pie-hole, you bottom feeding troglodyte.

What I’ve just written makes me a food bastard, I realise, even though I’m educated enough to know that if someone says they don’t like something I should take them at their word.

But deep down, I honestly believe that if I can just get you to sink your chompers into a rare filet, lightly sprinkled with sea salt and rosemary, that you’ll stop being such a spanner and order it the way it’s meant to be cooked.

If I can’t cure myself of this bigotry, I know there is no chance of curing you. All I can hope is that this article will serve to simply highlight the issue and that maybe, in the future, we can take steps together towards tolerance.

I’ve been told it’s always good to end an article with a quote, so here’s a quote of somebody quoting somebody else:

“Derek says it’s always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can’t top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you’d like.

‘We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.’”

In case you were wondering, that quote was from Abraham Lincoln, via the movie American History X. Obviously Lincoln wasn’t talking about food. He was, in fact, talking about a bigotry far more deplorable. Obviously. We just wanted a memorable closing sentence.

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