Agony Anto


Dear Anto,
I met this like, really really sweet guy in the student bor and we got together that night but the next day he, like, totally blanked me! What should I do?
Yours, Sorcha

Soorka love,
First ting you do, reet, is go ride his bessie, brudder or any udder close relative you can think of. This will really get his attention. Secondly, reet, never underestimate the power of stalking. If you give him a buzz twenty times a day and follow him wherever he goes, he won’t be able to forget you. With you constantly on his mind, it’s only a matter of time before he gets so drunk he accidentally answers the door. The key to these matters of the heart is persistence; make it so it’s far easier just to go out with you then to keep renewing that restraining order. Wear him down until he’s just a shell of his former self and he will be yours. How do you think I got my army of bitches?
Yours, Anto

Dear Anto,
I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 2 months now but it’s just not working out. She’s a nice girl but we don’t have very much in common. What’s the best way to break up with someone?
Yours, James

James bud,
You came to the right man here, bud; I’m always having to shed meself of the burd folk. They just can’t get enough of the Antmeister. My charms are a curse sometimes you know. There are many ways to dump burds, as varied as the burds themselves. You could just start ignoring her but if she’s anything like the girls I know she’ll just see this as a challenge. If you do it classy – like, restaurant and deep conversation about feelings – she may entertain notions of you taking her back and we’re back to getting knickers in the post. The best thing is to do it in a way that she’ll simply be relieved to be rid of you and will go to huge lengths to avoid you, saving you the bodder of avoiding her.  I recommend something abrupt, public and insulting. Leave her a note saying, “you’re dumped, fatty! Here’s a cake to make you feel better. Love, James.” No prob.
Yours, Anto