Agony Anto

 
 

Dah new anthem fer Ireland is fookin massive! “Furst we wore pooer, den we were rich, now we’re pooer again!”

Hi Anto,

My finals are in a few weeks and I’m meant to be spending loads of time in the library, Daddy collects me there at 11pm every night. If I don’t get into Smurfit I’m absolutely fucked. All hell will break loose if I get a 2.1.

Thing is, Daddy doesn’t know I’ve been hanging round Glenomena with my new hot older boyf. Put it this way: I’m going to fail unless you help.  How do you get an easy First?

Cheers,

Ailbhe xxxoooooxx

P.S. I’ll do absolutely anything if you can help me Anthony.

Story Ailbhe,

Ta fer de photo. Yer a feckin roide! Me number is 087 3456785.  Giv us a ring nd oil get ye de Smurfit course. Me mate Deano MBA has a few contacts.

Tell de Glenomena head ta feck off – oil roide ya, and get ya into Smurfit. Wa mor day a want?  Meet ya at de Smithfield luas stop. Bring us a few Druids wud ya?

If ya don’t want to roide Deano as well, bring a mate. (He’s a kinky bastard ya wudn’t want ta roide him.)

‘Til Smithfield,

Anto

P.S. Juss so ye know now, Oi don’t do johnnies.

~

Dear Anto,

Myself and a few mates recently decided to go down and explore the tunnels of UCD. When we got down there, we found that all the lights were already on! A bit creepy, but we carried on regardless.

Anyway, about halfway through the tunnel, we espied something: radioactive waste! I’m getting a bit worried about this, are UCD scientists harbouring this dangerous substance for money? Is this the cause and effect of why science students don’t pass their second year?

Help me please because I have a few friends studying science and I don’t want them to gain superpowers or whatever because that would be so unfair!

Yours,

Tony

Dear Tony,

I loike yur name. Anyway, I meself have ventured down der befor, but not for exploratory reasons. Morelike, I was wurrickin for the IRA (don’t tell anywan dough or I’ll bleedin’ killye) and we decided to set sum explosives in de 70s (I was only five years owild den, whippersnapper ee waz). I tink it waz just to kill some hippie fookers. Anyway, it didn’t wurrick ouh cos some homeless people were living der at the time.

Long story short: just better off stayin the fook away from the tunnels. I always thought it smelled like shite walking beside the Science building… maybe dats the reason.

Yurs,

Anto

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