Agony Anto

 
 

I used ta tink that all boggers did all day was grunt loudly and cut peat. Deze le’ers prove udderwise.

Dear Anto,

I’m not really going out with this girl, just sort of meeting her from time to time. Like for example, you decide to go to the cinema… Are you expected to pay for her ticket, her popcorn and drinks and the taxi home? And the next time you go how much are you expected to pay then? Or if you go to a nightclub like that great one on Camden Street, Bogger Faced Jacks, are you expected to pay her in, buy her a few drinks, bag of chips afterward and taxi home? I’m not tight or anything, I just don’t want to seem like I’m over/under spending on her.

Yours,

Johnboy

Dear Johnboy,

Ye seem te be concentrating extra hard on the ‘taxi-home’ bit. I tink yer a bit overly-keen on getting yer bit, which is fair enough, but it reeks a’desperation. Nutin wrong with wot yer doin’ – just payin yur way – but the way yur putting it makes yeh seem like a bit of a creepy fooker, to be honest wichya.

“Help, I’ve got this girl-thing. What shud I do, throw money ar it?”

…well in yur case, yes. An without forgetting the bag of chips either. In relation to yer problem, I’d say just go wit yur instinct. To me, she sounds like a bit of a tight-fooker whoreself. If dis is the case, just dump ‘er man. No-one needs that type of sh/t stinking about the gaff.

Yurs,

Anto

Anto,

Jacinta here. Where the fook is my Valentine’s Day pressies, huh? It’s been a few days now and still nutin. Yer a scumbag, maggot and cheap lousy faggot, ye know dah?

What? Are yeh startin’ on me now? Jus’ dowint let Anto Jr see it again. Enuf is enuf and der’s a fella dowin de road who sent me a real luvely box of choccies on Sunday. More than what you gave me… which was only herpes, ye little prick.

I tore’up the card I writed fer you. Took me bleedin’ ages to make it rhyme:

Roses are Red, Violets are blue;

Go to de shop and get me twenny Blue.

But I’m willin’ te take ye back if ye actually leg it down to the shop and get me some smokes, tinfoil and Johnny Onion Rings for Anto Jr Jr. Righ’?

Luv,

Jacinta

Alrigh’ Jacinta,

Any crack? I was gonna rob yeh sumthin nice for Valentines’ but the pigs chased me and I broke the feckin ting. Give Anto Jr Jr a bleedin slap across the arse. He can rob his own bleedin’ Onion Rings.

Yurs,

Anto

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