Seeking to inexplicably offend your grandmother? Paul Fennessy provides the tunes for your ignoble exploit
Public Enemy – ‘Fight The Power’
“Granny likes Elvis probably / But Elvis don’t mean shit to Chuck D / Therefore Elvis don’t mean shit to me / Therefore screw you granny.” If only these were the actual lyrics.
50 Cent – ‘21 Questions’
Forget Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra, no one has ever written a more romantic love song than ‘21 Questions’, with its key, incandescent lyric: “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.”
Tori Amos – ‘Leather’
If 50 Cent’s elegiac ballads are not quite what granny is into, then Tori Amos’ eloquent glorifications of sadomasochism should be right up her alley. Also features in what is definitely the greatest musical sequence ever put to film for all you Oz fans out there (anyone, no?) – incidentally, a TV show that granny should also check out.
Ol’ Dirty Bastard featuring Kelis – ‘Got Your Money’
“I don’t have no trouble with you f*cking me / But I have a little problem with you not f*cking me.” Poetry.
MDC – ‘John Wayne was a Nazi’
I’m sure there’s nothing granny would appreciate more than a nice, condescending lecture from a hardcore punk band about how her generation was really just all a bunch of racist, emotionally insecure Nazis.
Throbbing Gristle – any track from 20 Jazz Funk Greats
This is included for no better reason than if you seek to scare the living bejaysus out of your grandmother – preferably one who is a jazz aficionado, given the album’s misleading title.
Lou Reed – any track from Metal Machine Music
This is included for no better reason than to convince your grandmother that there are experiences worse than death – namely, having to listen to a track off Metal Machine Music.
LCD Soundsystem – ‘Losing My Edge’
This is included for no better reason than to remind your granny how old and uncool she is. She probably won’t get how the track actually satirises hipster culture as opposed to venerating it, thus making her even more uncool.
The La’s – ‘There She Goes’
“There she goes again / Pulsing through my veins / And I just can’t contain / This feeling that remains”. Granny will assume this is a beautiful paean to unrequited love from one of those obscure acts her grandson loves. It is, in fact, a beautiful paean to heroin from the second greatest Liverpudlian band of all time.