This fortnight, your saving grace and acclaimed biochemist Fadora McSexypants explains how to deal with noisy roommates
When I moved up from Sligo a month ago, my Mammy warned me to be wary of all the city people, because you never know what mad things they’d be getting into. My problem is that my roommate is a bit of a loose cannon. He goes out every Wednesday night in Coppers, which is madness with his 10am lecture the next day.
The other day it got worse when he brought a woman home. They kept me up all night with their incessant moaning, shouting, and taking the Lord’s name in vain. I felt just filthy listening to them and made sure to go Mass in Donnybrook church the next morning to cleanse my soul.
My question is: how can I stop him procreating in the middle of the night? Would it be too much to give him drugs and install a chastity belt while he’s unconscious?
Born-Again in Belgrove
Good evening Born-Again.
It’s never fun to hear a friend moaning in joyous ecstasy, particularly when you’re not involved. However, as someone who’s been known to keep up her neighbours with more than late-night coffee and an unwanted erection, I also know the moral dilemma facing your roommate. Sure, he should be considerate of his good friend’s sleeping patterns but, on the other hand, he wants to find him a tramp and start getting damp. They are two equally valid points.
Born-Again, I’ll give you the same advice I gave my mother last week: “You need to get laid, son.” I’d be willing to bet my spacious and flawlessly furnished house that no
one has touched your St. Patrick’s serpent since you showed your Padre Pio pillow case a rocking good time when you were eight.
My biggest pet peeve in this world is people who resent others for getting the ride, or “lay-her hating” as I call it. Maybe it’s time to stop thinking about the body of Christ and start thinking about the body of Christina, that blonde in the Merville Centra that keeps giving you fiddly eyes.
Next time your housemate is rattling away at some Copper Face Crack and the breathless moaning is keeping you up, both metaphorically and literally, take matters into your own hands, so to speak. Take a gentleman’s holiday to finger-town, and if that doesn’t work, why not ask if you can join in? A Devil’s three-way is a great way to get over your religious inhibitions, and if my suspicions are correct, will clear up some of those deeply confusing feelings you’ve been having for some time now.
Love and Tickles,
Fadora McSexypants, PhD.
Next issue, Fedora tackles that important question – if you dip your wang in olive oil, is it still extra-virgin? Send your sexy queries to firstname.lastname@example.org.