How to be cool with Conor O’Toole

 
 

The Art, Design & Technology Director has a hard on day and everyone feels sorry for him

As I discovered whilst laying out page four of this paper, the USI (Union of Silly Idiots [Jesus Christ, who am I, Talleyrand? {I’m not Talleyrand}]) have said that Irish Water shouldn’t have spent €30,000 on a corporate identity and instead should’ve made a shit one for a fiver on the internet.

I understand that design students from the IADT (Intellectual Academy of Designers and some Twats [It’s 4am and I’ve got 700 words to write]) were unhappy about that because it’s belittling to their skills. It’s also a dumb thing to say for a bunch more reasons too. For instance, I can buy lots of things for a fiver on in the internet, like heroin or abortions, but I think we all know it’s worth shelling out that little bit more for the real stuff.

As much as it seems like logos are abstract nonsense, there is usually a logic behind them, often derived at extremely long and tedious meetings about how cats can mean bad luck as well as good luck and aren’t just cats and they’re not dogs or bunny rabbits and so don’t really convey what it is to be a local veterinarian.

‘Corporate identity’ sounds like something made of evil, but it’s actually quite important for consistency across a business. You don’t want to be the chump business with the inconsistent use of fonts, who the hell would hire a company like that?

Plus, the logo that they ‘designed’ online for a fiver was shit. Sure, the Irish Water logo isn’t going to win any awards for grand innovation in logo design but at least the type is well set and they had the restraint to use blue alone in the logo for the water company like a normal person.

The USI-made logo uses purple along side blue, I suppose in order to remind people that sometimes Irish Water might fuck up and give you the wrong colour water. Also, the spacing between individual letters in their logo is abhorrent, and would never get by an actual designer, with eyes and thoughts and so on.

The logo is comprised of poorly-laid text, accompanied by what I assume is meant to be a water droplet composed of smaller water droplets. Although, the smaller water droplets aren’t shaped like water droplets, they had a big bulb at the top and a thinner, tail-like section out the back, kind of like a tadpole. Or an inverted comma. I’m beating around the bush here.

It looks like jizz; like a big load of semen hurtling towards your face. It has also got a disgusting blue gradient on it. I suppose I shouldn’t expect the USI (Union of Suckers and Iosers [the I in USI is actually a lowercase L]) to care or realise why the implication that the government is ejaculating into our drinking water could be a negative image to attach to an already probably evil company.

The USI are, in my experience, a big bunch of dumbs who are at best an embarrassment. I think you should disaffiliate, if you haven’t already. I know some college did that already. Maybe it was UCD. I can’t remember.

I remember I went to USI’s national meeting thing one year so that I could stay in a hotel for free for a week and skip college. Someone brought a motion to say that USI should give a percentage of it’s ‘earnings’ to charity every year.

Those earnings are of course, the six/seven/whatever euro that students give every year as membership each year. All of that is going is all ready going to charity, a charity that’s supposed to defend the rights of students and represent them on a national level: the poxy USI.

So I got up to speak against the motion, which is mortifying, obviously, but this is what one must do to prevent USI from giving to charity. I don’t remember what I said, probably something sensible, but DITSU collectively rose from their seats and all lined up to tell me how wrong I was.

So many people wanted to tell me I was wrong that they had to form a queue, and then tell people that the queue was full and no one else was allowed join the queue to tell me I was wrong. It passed, obviously.

I suppose I just have a black heart, and my belief that money designated for improving student welfare is not better spent on a random charity is going to get me visited by the Ghost of USI Councils Past one of these days. I guess making those idiots feel happy in their tummies technically improves the lives of students, for the USI hacks that are actually still students, anyway.

Working as a designer in UCD is fun, in much the same way that watching the movie Hostel is fun. In other words, it is not fun. But I seem to be tolerated here, and being that I only work at the weekend, I rarely have to talk to the contributors. Oh lord, how many more Features writers must I talk to about Syria before you are appeased for me breaking my pledge and leaving the Pioneers?

Anyway, this is issue seven or eight of our print run of twelve, so if you are a recently privatised national service, please do get in touch. I’ll have very little to do come May. Hell, I’ll make you a logo for only €10,000. That’s a saving of over twenty percent!

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