The First Year Experience: 100% Awful

 
 

After a disastrous week, Lucy Montague Moffat finds an upside to life: her own cynicism 

I have been very cynical this week. I have beenrocking around the place with a scowl and intent to kill glimmering in my cold, dead eyes. I don’t know what it is that I did wrong but for some reason the world has it in for me. Instead of trying to figure out what ghastly deed I unconsciously committed to deserve all this crappy karma, I am doing nothing but watching it play out its evil course of making my life miserable.

I am not being over dramatic to try to squeeze sympathy out of your critical reading eyes, nothing like that at all. In fact I am proposing, instead of us all feeling sorry for ourselves alone wondering if anyone else is in the middle of a shit storm, we should all rise up together in a parade of sulking and misery. We need to embrace the bad fortune that has been placed upon our heads like a Twilight book to the face.

And so in celebration of this yucky world I now exist in I am going to list all the annoying things that have happened to me in the past week in an attempt to embrace them and then let go, hopefully revealing a new, sexier, positive me. I am imagining a mix between Zooey Deschanel and Miley Cyrus but we’ll see how it goes.

It is ironic because cynical is exactly the opposite of how I should be feeling in my current life. I just completed a three hour motivational training course in work (the sense of achievement is mighty). However, if there is anything to make snide comments fall out of my mouth like cynical Tourette’s, it is a good old motivational course. They are really asking for it though, with their “stand up and give the person beside you a backrub” way of getting you to sexually harass your fellow colleagues. I did learn a valuable fact in the three hours, one thing that I will remember for the rest of my life as a highlight of all the millions of motivational talks I have been to in my eight sad years in retail.

First you have to write ATTITUDE on a piece of paper and then assigning each letter a number according to where they are in the alphabet (e.g. A as 1, T as 20). Once you have a number beside each letter add them up. Yes! Yes! Yes, that is right. It adds up to 100! My mind is not easily blown by people, unless they are Louis Theroux, but by golly after the motivational speaker finished hopping up and down shouting “100%! Attitude equals 100%” I had to bend down and pick up pieces of my brain from the floor, because I had shot myself in the face.

I also had a date this week. It was early days, maybe five dates in, but things weren’t going very well between us. It had turned into one of those situations where half way through the date I’d get horribly bored and start to ponder big life questions in my head (“If I could sing would I enter the X-Factor?” and “I wonder how many horse whisperer parts Sarah Jessica Parker has turned down?”) to keep myself awake. But then sometimes he would be fun and I’d forget all about my boredom and imaginary singing career.

So this date was kind of a last chance saloon situation, although he didn’t know this, and I made pros and cons lists in my head as I waited in the cold for him. And because the world has it in for me, he was, of course, 45 minutes late. I don’t usually mind lateness, really; it doesn’t tend to bother me, but he wasn’t even sorry and that really pissed me off. He didn’t even run up to me in a gasping for air, ‘I’ve run for miles, please forgive me’ way. He just sauntered up to me and shrugged a sorry. So I had to get rid of late boy, which is a bummer because it’s nice when you are dating someone cause you end up seeing all the latest releases in the cinema and find new pubs. It’s less fun doing that stuff alone.

The other really crap thing is that apparently the world is going to end soon, which is upsetting. I have lots to do and an end of December deadline is just too little time to fit it all in. And on top of all this it seems that I have a rare disorder where the more I study, the worse I do in tests. My Geography multiple choice question results have decreased each time even though I have studied more each week than the last one. This makes no sense! Or maybe it does but I am just too stupid to realise. Maybe I should just get it over with and give my body to science. They can do loads of crazy experiments on me and find out that due to my over consumption of bread, it has started taking over my brain, engulfing all the cells, slowly turning me into a walking sliced pan.

I was in UCD the other morning. It was nearly nine o’clock, which in my state of mind is a dangerously early time to be sauntering around the Newman Building. I went over to a Stand and Surf computer, still half asleep, and that’s when I saw him. He was standing up, with his headphones plugged into the monitor, watching the latest episode of New Girl and laughing loudly to himself. I looked at the back of his head and smiled to myself, possibly the first smile of the week. He reminded me that you can find happiness in a world where everything seems to be the worst. You just need to find that little thing that makes you happy and appreciate it. And for me, my happiness comes from being horribly cynical about things. It brings me joy and if you add up the letters of JOY you get 50 which means nothing.

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