Ever think life would be more fun as a movie with a clichéd soundtrack? Let Emily Mullen set you on your first step to hyper-reality with the Mixtape for your biopic
Birth: T– Rex – ‘Cosmic Dancer’
“I danced myself right out of the womb” – let’s face it, this happened. It was liken to the Immaculate Conception, no juice or grunts, only synchronised dancing.
Childhood: Hanson – ‘MMMBop’
In your idyllic childhood, life merely consisted of mála and the learning of Pokémon names while Hanson were just young enough for us to let them get away with this song’s idiocy. Innocent times.
Depression: Coldplay – ‘Yellow’
Your life has sunk into Jane Eyre mode, and all you can hear is Chris Martin’s microscopic whine carried on the wind through the moors. It doesn’t get much lower.
Self-discovery: Rihanna – ‘We Found Love’
Just as Rihanna found love through glamourised domestic violence and cuss words, you find your true self buried deep in those thug life lyrics.
Love: Lykke Li –‘Little Bit’
Nothing is done in half measures in cinema. You just met them all of ten minutes ago, yet you love them. Insert some much needed cynicism into this facetious expression of affection.
Sex scene: The Smiths – ‘Handsome Devil’
“Let me get my hands on your mammary glands and let me get your head on a conjugal bed.” Oh I say, Morrissey. Panning of camera towards fireplace or billowing curtains optional.
Suspense: Buffalo Springfield – ‘Something’s Happening Here’
Nothing says something amazing is about to occur better than a ten minute prelude.
Drug addiction: Oasis – ‘Cigarettes and Alcohol’
Has your badass lifestyle has left you in need of some ‘me time’? A solvents abuse montage is definitely the answer.
Post-battle relaxation: Wet Wet Wet – ‘Sweet Surrender’
Marti Pello provides some light relief from your hectic day of raping and pillaging historical fiction villagers as you sing in the shower to show that you’re not just your average avenger.
Fight scene: Carl Douglas – ‘Kung Fu Fighting’
Fighting a mysterious man in a dark alley, the world becomes a flurry of kicks, punches, and jittery camera work. Even though you have never shown any aptitude for Kung Fu before, you still bait him around the gaff.
Chase Scene #1: Iggy Pop – ‘Lust for Life’
A classic, and deserved number one in your “running from nasties” iTunes playlist. Whether from dealers, loansharks or Librocop, it’s perfect for a life or death getaway.
Chase Scene #2: Blackout Crew – ‘Put a Donk it’
No film or life is complete without a car chase. Show the Guards what speed your turbo-charged Honda can do and “Put a bangin’ donk on it” like a scumbag Blues Brother.
Murder: Pink Floyd – ‘Comfortably Numb’
The sarcastic musical accompaniment to your brutal murder. ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ also acceptable. Make sure to face the curtain with some aesthetically pleasing ultraviolent pomp.
Credits: Bon Jovi – ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’
Time for the outtakes of your life. It’s been some journey. Let’s just hope that your fans don’t illegally download the DVD.