It takes a rare tune to make you value audio quality over not looking ridiculous. Coire Mc Crystall offers the perfect mixtape for those head-squeezing new ‘phones
Skrillex – ‘Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites’
Dubstep and helmet-sized headphones go hand in hand, but this is a case of health and safety. You’re going to need something massive and soft to cushion your fall after these ten storey drops.
Rage Against the Machine – ‘Take the Power Back’
Investing in a pair of preposterously large headphones and hanging on every vitriol-flavoured note slapped out by Rage Against the Machine is the quintessential way of purging yourself of any residual middle-class teenage angst. There might not be a lot you can do about the world at the moment, but you can damn sure irreversibly damage your hearing in the meantime.
Enter Shikari – ‘Sorry, You’re Not a Winner’
The truth hurts. It especially hurts when it’s drilled into your head with all the subtlety and grace of a jackhammer via outlandishly huge headphones. Enter Shikari sound brilliant chastising you at any volume, but it’s especially true when you spend most of your student grant on a pair of headphones.
Giraffes? Giraffes! – ‘Emilie Sagée’s Secret’
To understand the subtle intricacies of this math rock masterpiece, you’ll need some heavy duty equipment. That said, if you’re the type of person who already deconstructs math rock songs, hipster cred like yours wouldn’t let you be without a pair of headphones as wide as your musical tastes.
Ratatat – ‘Neckbrace’
‘Neckbrace’ is one of those songs titled as a warning rather than an advertisement. The gratuitous bassline and complimenting lyrical simplicity ensure that after a few listens your head will have bobbed so much that you’ll need a neckbrace. The only logical answer is to make the problem a hundred times worse by adding ridiculous headphones into the mix.
Muse – ‘Yes Please’
‘Yes Please’ is a song which asks you a question and then answers it for you. The question it asks is ‘Those headphones you have won’t crush your skull nearly enough to justify a tune like this, would you like bigger ones?’ The answer? Yes, please.
Aphex Twin – ‘Come To Daddy (Pappy Mix)’
You may not recognise this song by name, probably because you’ve repressed it in a fit of terror. However, with a pair of suitably oversized headphones you can Ghostbuster ‘Come to Daddy’ and it unravels like an episode of Scooby Doo. It was a distorted bassline, a drum track and unkempt vocals the whole time, guys!
The Beatles – ‘Helter Skelter’
When this was recorded, every pair of headphones was a ridiculously large pair. The only way you could get more old school is if you used two tin cans and a piece of string, so make like Charles Manson and get listenin’.
The Evpatoria Report – ‘Taijin Kyofusho’
Set to the eerie, crackly communications between a pilot and air traffic control, ‘Taijin Kyofusho’ is the perfect excuse to solemnly ponder the nature of your own being, whilst pretending to be an airline pilot, complete with ludicrously oversized listening apparatus. You might have a bit of bother securing a cockpit to complete the fantasy though…
Mogwai – ‘Rano Pano’
To fully understand ‘Rano Pano’ you really have to immerse yourself in it at maximum volume like some kind of strange musical sleeping bag. The bass kicks through its own distorted aura and makes short work of any lesser headphones attempting to subvert its bid for brain-scrambling volume.