Mix Tape – Terrible Songs By Beautiful People

 
 


Aoife Loughnane names and shames the worst songs by the prettiest of people

‘Mmmm Bop’ – Hanson
Let’s bring it back, right back to the ‘back in the day’ day, when Hanson’s long blonde hair dominated your dreams and indeed your wall space. No one recognised the brothers for what they were, a terribly beautiful crew of siblings, who were incapable of holding a guitar the right way up. So blind were our tweeny-crushes that we could not see past their long golden hair and into the dark abyss of their souls.

‘The Cheeky Song’ – The Cheeky Girls
What was the point of their teeny tiny hot pants again? Oh yeah, to distract from the fact that they were incapable of singing. Talk-singing the words: “We are the cheeky girls, you are the cheeky boys” over and over and over again, while they gyrated and looked at the camera in a ‘call 666 666 for conversation with sexy woman’ kind of manner proved to be effective. They reached number 2 on the charts.

‘Let’s Get Physical’ – Olivia Newton John
It’s a well-known fact that every girl would kill to look like Olivia circa Grease, and every man would like to be with her. Using this lust factor as a viable commodity, ‘Let’s Get Physical’, the song that launched sweatbands and latex as a fashion accessory, was released to the world. Beautiful people can kind of get away with being untalented, but if ugly untalented people try, it turns into a feature on Celebrity Juice.

‘Call Me Maybe’ – Carly Rea Jepsen
“Hey I just met you and this is crazy…” Shut up. The only reason this bubble-pop is appealing to anyone, is because the attractiveness of Miss Jepson, and the money poured into ensuring her beauty never fades, is regimentally upheld.

‘Mysterious Girl’ – Peter Andre
Who were we kidding? We look nothing like Katie Price. Well, unless you give it two stone of saline, a fake mane, and some black and decker. Anything could happen then. Though it turns out Pete was just lip-syncing under a waterfall with his top off just to sell some tapes. That small revelation has left our illusions shattered, our dreams in pieces, and our wedding dress imaginations in disarray.

‘Fight for This Love’ – Cheryl Cole
For those two weeks that the world loved Cheryl, she knocked out 21 singles. Astonishing how fast sound technicians can work at redubbing Madonna’s old B-sides isn’t it?

‘Macho Man’- Sinitta
Before striving her way to the top of fame as Simon Cowells’ hanger-on, Sinitta, did actually have a career and a hit single. Perhaps she was singing about Simon? At least we can credit her with the ability of using artistic licence.

‘Especially for You’ – Kylie and Jason Donovan
Kylie and her beau showcase their love, or their dedication to publicity, through some less than authentic cuddles and an odd warbling chorus together.

‘Hollaback Girl’ – Gwen Stefani
What happened to Gwen? She had the makings of being a credible artist: an actual voice, a stylist that was not on LSD, and what seemed like a personality. But no, we were treated to a burlesque show with your harajuku dancers and a lesson on how to spell BANANA.

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