Diary of a Taoismuck

 
 

An exclusive look into the personal diary of Leo Varadkar

 

Dear Diary,

 

Oh my God, what is wrong with Theresa May? Like, I understand the ambition to be Thatcher 2.0 but seriously, if you’re going to do that at least look like you half know what you’re doing. She’s like a fish on a trawlers deck, floundering around expelling a great deal of energy but never actually doing anything about it. What’s worse is she’s a big fish, and all her floundering is just hurting everyone. This fish metaphor is getting out of hand.

I think this is all just coming from my frustration with where I am. I’m a big fish, in a small pond. Ireland’s problems are so trivial. Housing crises here, health crises there, like who actually cares? Now, the UK, they have real problems. Look at Thatcher in the 80s, look how she dealt with those miners. I’m smiling only thinking about it. I always loved that woman. While some boys had posters of Pamela Anderson, I had a lovely big poster of good old Maggie T. Got to make the best of what we got though.

Speaking of, going to visit Canada tomorrow, should be fun. This Justin Trudeau guy is basically just a less handsome version of myself; perhaps we’ll share notes?

Leo out.

 

Dear Diary,

 

Wow, just wow. I’m only back from Canada and that’s really all I can say. Wow. Wonderful man, this Trudeau fellow, not going to lie, he’s not hard to look at but boy is he hard to listen to. He never stops talking about all the bloody things he’s done. Volunteering here, bit of acting there, with a political career along with it. God, get over yourself. I mean, I’m a little bit jealous, of course anyone would be, he’s amazing, practically not real and everyone loves him but god that only makes me more annoyed.

The real problem is his politics though, or ‘politics.’ I think I may start sending my friends to see Canada while it’s still there because I don’t think it’ll last with that guy running the place. They’ll all be a bunch of abortion happy, stoned, liberal idiots the next time I’m back there, mark my words! I just couldn’t believe it, and Canada such a respected place. He does have impressive hair though, I’ll give him that too. I really can’t decide if I hate or love the man, it’s a real problem. I think it’s yet another case of often a picture with no sound is exactly what you’re looking for. Next couple of days will be spent with the EU crew, should be just as exciting as it normally is.

 

Leo out.

 

Dear Diary,

Spent a couple of exciting days down in Brussels with the big wigs of the EU. I realise the EU was set up to prevent another war in Europe but one wonders if it was in fact to prevent anyone ever having any fun in Europe ever again. I mean, six hours of fishing. I’m sorry but who honestly cares what those damn fishermen do? Pardon me, I realise I only lead a small country but I sort of had a certain image of EU meetings. You know, saving the world daily from near catastrophe, averting nuclear war… you know, that sort of stuff. That could not be further from the truth let me tell you. It’s basically a bunch of accountants sitting around scratching their heads over whether Spain or Portugal should get half a fish more a year. And what’s worse, they really seem to care about this stuff. I swear I’ve never seen such passionate debating over absolute hogwash.

The EU for all it’s glory really redefines what it means to be boring. The only thing that really gives me a kick is when the Germans and French go at it. I swear if you said you’d give them both a biscuit they’d fight over who was more grateful about it. It must have been great craic when the Brits were still around, I bet they really took this stubborn pettiness to a new level. Speaking of Miss Fish, that might be the only source of amusement I get from these things. As Mr Ireland himself I must say I take great satisfaction in planning out how hard we’re going to screw the UK over. I mean, they totally deserve it those smug imperial bastards. What’s better is they keep talking to me about it too! Me! I suppose it is important for the country and we have a land border with the UK and blah blah blah but lads, I don’t really care. All this really means is that I have to actually pay attention in these damn things in case they ask me some questions. Thank God it’s over. Good to be back in Ireland, might head down to the George, see what’s up. Have to get started on quashing this whole repeal the eighth shite too. I’ll make a note of it.

 

Leo out.

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