Diary of a Taoishmuck #2

 
 

17/10

Ugh. Another day, another dollar. Well, another €712.88 based on a five day week. That’s what I keep having to tell myself to get through. I just wish it could be rounded up to €715.

Noonan and I are delighted with the Budget. We are surfing the white wave of blank cheques on our way to re-election. It is absolutely fantastic that we can be good cops and leave the Germans to be the bad cops. They’re good at that. They have a bit of a history with it. Sure you can tell to look at that Merkel one she wouldn’t be averse to one or two Nazi ideals. She certainly has the moustache going. Bit like that David Norris saying he’s for Communism. He forgets he wouldn’t be able to be an upper class wanker under a Communist state. Now I think about it, maybe Communism wouldn’t be so bad.

I did tell Michael that the Robert Frost quote might have been a bit much, but he’s always had a bit of a poetic streak. I told him that the road less travelled was a bad analogy to make though. All those roads less travelled were the reason why we built all the motorways a few years back. Too many potholes in the ones nobody else used.

20/10

The EU’s trying to reduce emissions from 40% to 20% between 2020 and 2030. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell them at this conference. Agriculture is a major part of our economy. Not major enough for me to think or care about other than hoping the Farmers from the Country keep providing me with my free spuds for the dinner (Fionnuala’d kill me if I pissed them off enough to not get free spuds), but without methane emissions I won’t get as many steak dinners either. And sure between Moan Burton blowing hot air and Eamonn Gilmore being old enough to be able to pass a constant stream of his own brand of gas out of more than one orifice and pass it off as “political commentary” (the Dáil Chambers are just not big enough to avoid that stench- all I can say is at least the Greens are defunct) I’m starting to think it would be easier to find some way of powering the Senate with it.

23/10

I do think Alan Kelly is asking for too much when he looks for people of “calibre and experience” to apply for the positions on the board of Irish Water. You get whoever you like to go on those boards. It’s only if they’re running for some form of election in the next while that they actually need to have either calibre or experience. Calibre for the board of a company? Phhh, whatever. The only thing you really need to have calibre for is a good cycle through the plebs at the front of the Dáil campaigning against water charges. None of them look very dehydrated if you ask me. They have enough saliva in their mouths to spit at me anyway, so they’re fine. I don’t know how they expect to have free water anyway. It’s not like it falls out of the sky.

24/10

Lucinda Creighton’s on for joining the Technical Group time slot in the Dáil so that she gets more speaking rights in the Dáil. I don’t think the Technical Group wants her. Can’t blame them. Somehow she gets more airtime than anyone else and still she manages to say absolutely nothing. That’s what happens when people desert the party and I stop telling them what to say- everything just turns out to be a disaster.

26/10

I’m soooo excited for Halloween. I LOVE Halloween. The sweets, the dressing up, ducking for apples- and that’s just for me and Fionnuala. I love dressing up for work though. Every year I go as a different Sesame Street character. I got a great joke in with Mary Lou McDonald the other day. She asked me whether I was dressing up as Kermit the Frog this year for Halloween. “Ah, because you’re already dressed up as Miss Piggy is it?” I said. She stormed off, but I know she was laughing on the inside. I’m awful funny. And sure, she loves slightly misogynistic jokes. All women do, they just don’t want to admit it. Fionnuala doesn’t like it when I try to tell her that though. Doesn’t like it at all.

I’ll have the last laugh though. I’ve been working on my costume for weeks, and it is going to be fantastic. Big Bird hits the Dáil, and he’ll do it in style. I have a great big yellow feather poncho and I spent the weekend sewing more yellow feathers onto an old pair of cycling shorts so I’ll even be able to cycle into work- and it’ll be good for visibility. I made a great big mask with a beak and everything that’s actually big enough that it’d fit Michael Noonan’s head, so no one will even know it’s me until I do my big reveal later on. Gerry Up the RAdams will probably be some sort of teddy bear. He likes to pretend he’s all soft and cuddly on twitter. I like to think it’s some sort of an alter-ego. It makes me think that he’s easier to argue with. You can’t argue with a teddy. Not for long. But I continue to channel Count Von Count for help. Here is my Count Von Count motivational quote for the day. “When I am alone, I count myself. One count!” It reminds me that I am the most important person in the room at any one time.

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