Couples Therapy

 
 

Let our resident love doctor, Doctor McSeamy sort your relationship woes…

Dear Dr McSeamy,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a few months, and there are a few things that are really starting to bug me. When we first started dating, he totally ruined it on our first date, when he kissed me in the alley outside Coppers. I’ve liked him for a long time, and I wanted our first kiss to be romantic, and not in standing in a puddle of urine.

He generally turns potentially romantic moments into disgusting ones – after our first night in bed together, he fell asleep right away when I wanted to talk. And then, he farted really loud, and really smelly in his sleep. It was disgusting, and I was so embarrassed I didn’t even bring it up.

When we go out for walks, he’s always on his phone, talking to his mates about a night out, or football match. It’s really really annoying, and I just feel like he only wants one thing from me (you know what).

Am I over-reacting to all of this? My friends tell me I shouldn’t settle, and I’m pretty happy, but these little things get on my nerves, and I’m not sure if it’s that important, or if I’m just blowing things out of proportion.

Mary

Hey Mary,

I understand your predicament, and I think you should talk to your boyfriend about it right away. That way, you will reveal ‘the crazy’ to him early, and he’ll realize what he’s getting into sooner rather than later. No seriously – you’re just griping because you’re not ‘number one’, and if you want that to change, you’ll have to change a few things.

I think I’ve mentioned somewhere along the way that men are really only interested in three things – food, sex, and sports. This is a universal truth; it defines every man, everywhere, in any nation. When men are ‘sensitive’, or ‘in touch with their feelings’, they are just using a more resourceful way of getting those three things, instead of clubbing someone over the head. Because these three things are such primary animal drives, it is very easy to both predict and condition your man. Let me elaborate.

When he talks on the phone, he is getting something from his mates that he can’t get from you. Now, this is a natural thing – men will chill with other men and do manly things. That’s just the way it is. You should be confident enough with that scenario – but if that really annoys you, I guarantee you can get his attention back by bringing up the topic of food, sex, or sports.

Eventually, you need him to subconsciously associate only YOU with these things – but if like most girls you know nothing about sports, I suggest you go with food and sex. I know this sounds sexist, and it probably is, but it’s the truth. Both in evolutionary terms and in life, men appreciate women who appreciate good food and good sex – especially because they generally have to work their bollocks off to get them.

So you have to be good in bed, and good in the kitchen; or superb in bed, and shite in the kitchen. It’s totally up to you – but you need something to hang over his head if he starts getting uppity. If he’s being a jackass and farting under the covers, threaten him with a sex-free evening – he’ll behave himself, especially because you’ve learned that ‘special move’.

Or, if you suck in bed (figuratively) then reward him with awesome food. ESPECIALLY after a session out with his mates – it creates a homing instinct so that he always comes back to you. Trust me, it works. Finally, I am not advocating using sex as a tool, but simply as a means of bending your very malleable boy-toy into shape. Eventually, you will break his will, and he will no longer want to hang out with his boys – and then you will get bored, and move on to the next project.

I hope this helps.

McSeamy out!

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