Couples Therapy

 
 

Our resident love doctor is here to guide you through the finer points of surviving in a couple. Note: Not actual picture. Our guy is far better looking.

Dear Dr Mc Seamy,

For a while, I’ve really liked this guy in my class, and a few months ago we started flirting and hanging out.  Things were going great, till we got really drunk one night, and he told me that ‘I’m too good for him’ and ‘he didn’t want to hurt me’.

The crazy thing is that since then he has been sleeping over at my place several times a week, we both get into our PJs (boxers for him) and then we go to bed. We’ve never had sex, we never cuddle, and in the morning he kisses me on the cheek and leaves.  Sometimes I come home and he’s hanging out on the couch, waiting for me.  And he’s always flattering me with amazing compliments.

I’m really confused, because I want to have sex with him, and I don’t even need a relationship, but he just won’t make a move, and I’m afraid of being rejected again. I even torture him sometimes with lingerie and revealing clothes, but nothing-doing. I know he’s not gay because he’s slept with other girls, I just don’t know what to do. This has been happening for four months, and something’s gonna give!

What should I do? Thanks in advance.

– Sharon

Hi Sharon.

This is quite possibly the most hilarious (and bizarre) situation I’ve ever come across.  It took me some time to figure this one out, but I’ll give you my thought process.

He’s gay. But of course, women have a finely tuned gaydar, so that one’s discounted immediately.

He’s homeless, and there are two other women out there wondering exactly the same thing. This one is a distinct possibility – sex would ruin his platonic lodging schedule, plus he would smell like sex all the time.  We may come back to this one.

This is quite the conundrum.  You obviously want to have sex (either with this guy, or someone else) but he’s effectively blocking you out by both refusing to go away and do the deed. I call this the angry wife scenario, however I doubt he’s doing it on purpose.

So what are his motives? I hate to say it, but I think this poor fellow is in love with you.  It started with the drunken outpouring of amore. He told you that you’re too good for him, etc etc.  What he was thinking was ‘if I have sex with this girl, then she will become a sex object, and ruin this perfect idea I have of her in my mind’.

Furthermore, YOU haven’t made a move in the last several months either, so he probably thinks that this is what you want as well! He probably wants to make a move, but is afraid that you will kick his ass to the curb if he does.  And if he really is homeless, it really IS the curb.

Now, there are other possibilities.  The one thing men are the MOST insecure about, is their peeps.  His peeps might be permanently asleeps.  That is to say, on the fritz.  This might be the reason why there are problems, and if this is the case, you’re screwed (or, not screwed, pardon the pun).  But I don’t think that’s the case, and I’ll tell you why:

What made me laugh is that he gets into his boxers, and gets into bed, but there is no cuddling, no moves, nothing.  This got me thinking.  He’s obviously affectionate (the morning kiss), so why no cuddling? And it struck me – he’s sporting wood!!! Eureka right? Now you must feel guilty about torturing him with the boobage. Does he whimper at night, perchance?

And I think it’s painfully obvious that you really like this guy too, otherwise you wouldn’t let him get away with occupying your bed, but not your…pants, for so long.  So that is my analysis, and here comes my advice.

It will just drive you crazy if you keep going on the way you are. He’s past the point of making a move.  Believe me, he’s been living inside his own head for so long, at this point he may have lost touch with reality.  You must take action. If you don’t go for it, eventually something will give, a fight, a bludgeoning, etc, and things will end acrimoniously.

If you DO, he may say no – in which case he’s a) a damn fool, and b) never going to be interested – and therefore it’s better that you find out sooner rather than later.  And if he’s receptive (which I’m 99.9% positive he will be), you shall be thanking me as you gratify each other.  It’s a win-win for everyone.

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