If you were unfamiliar with the Irish rugby team, you’d be forgiven for not noticing Declan Kidney wandering through UCD last week. Composed, articulate and well mannered, his quiet presence means that he could easily go unnoticed, yet that doesn’t stop him from commanding the upmost respect of Irish players and fans.

Not many people can boast the same CV as Kidney, having obtained success as a coach both at underage and provincial level. In addition to his time with Ireland under-19s, who won the World Championship in 1998, the highlight of his provincial career was winning the Heineken Cup twice in 2005 and 2008 during his second stint managing the club (he first managed Munster from 98–02, but left to become Ireland’s assistant coach).

However, his most impressive achievement by far was winning Ireland’s second Grand Slam in 2009. Stephen Jones’ penalty falling short cemented their place in the hearts and minds of an entire nation. Yet there is barely a hint of self-praise when Kidney speaks. Instead, he is a man who knows that you’re only as good as your last game and doesn’t allow himself to be embroiled in any hype surrounding the Irish team.

This was epitomised during his post-match interview after the last month’s Six Nations game against Wales, when Ireland lost 19-13 due to a controversial Mike Phillips’ try. Instead of complaining or venting his frustration over the decision, he instead reflected on the fact that complaining about a rugby match was inappropriate when the tragedy that hit Japan was unfolding at the same time.

“Our job is to prepare for the next game. It’s as simple and brutal as that,” he said at the time, a blunt answer, but one that reflects his philosophical approach. He clearly understands that life goes on and that some matches will go your way and others, such as the aforementioned Wales game, won’t.

Despite not having the most successful campaign this year, Kidney spoke of his pride when asked about the team. “I was delighted with the performance. The way everybody fell into the team ethic, I was pleased with,” he says, before adding: “We just need to bring a bit more consistency [to our game].”

While he values the contribution of each player, Kidney doesn’t single out anyone when asked about his thoughts on the Six Nations campaign, his philosophy instead reflects on the performance and endeavours of his team and how they can improve.

Moreover, on the matter of the upcoming World Cup campaign, he says: “The World Cup has always been difficult. So I think the first thing to do, like in the Heineken Cup, is to concentrate on getting out of our pool.” While Ireland face tough opposition in the form of Australia and Italy, he’s reluctant to see their matches against Russia or America as easy games, approaching every game one step at a time.

Kidney has come a long way since he coached Presentation Brothers College, Cork back in the late 90s. Speaking to LawSoc Auditor, Kieran McCarthy, he mentions his time coaching the school under-13 team when he started out and how it taught him an important lesson about coaching and training.

“You learn that the kid that is coming in last may be putting in as much effort as the kid who comes in first,” explains Kidney. “Some aspects come easier to others in life. You can learn that trick of who’s putting in the best effort. Obviously [talented] people will rise to the top, but you should never knock honest endeavour.”

It is a mantra that he has carried with him to international level. From listening to him, you get the impression that Kidney doesn’t only see a team as one massive unit, but the sum of its parts being as important as its total. While there are obvious similarities between coaching club and country, he admits that he misses the day-to-day running of a club.

“I think the biggest difference is that you can make concessions quite easier at provincial level,” says Kidney. “You have day-by-day contact with the players and then sometimes you lose them, you lose your senior players to international duty, but that gives you an opportunity to work with other people there and to give them their opportunities.

“Without a doubt, I enjoy day-to-day contact, but given the privilege that I have [coaching the Irish team], it’s a small price to pay.”

Kidney comes across a man who, while aware of the responsibility that falls with such a position, is enjoying every day as it comes. Walking alongside him, Kidney always stops to quickly chat to fans or give his signature when approached, a true gentleman who doesn’t take for granted the position he reached.

When I ask him what his most cherished or favourite memory of his career was, he simply smiles and says: “Every day, I’m in an Irish dressing room.” A philosophical response that shows how when Ireland begin their World Cup campaign against USA later this year, they’ll have a calming and confident presence to guide them through the tournament.

Declan Kidney received the Honorary life membership from LawSoc on March 29th.

And it seems to have caused undue cockiness, gloating and a serious case of know-it-allism. But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s return to the beginning…

Exactly one yearish since we opened the Fantasy Six Nations diary (and just under that since said Fantasy Six Nations ended in a haze of James Hook, broken wine glasses and fourth place) my team and I are back and ready for rugby action once more. Well we were ready two weeks ago when the competition actually started, now we’re just actioning – I’m very busy and important you see.

This year will be different, this year is already different in fact. Gone are The Big Gay Beards. Gone. I have a new team now and they’re bigger, faster, prettier, hairier, shinier and just plain betterer than anything that has come before. Say oh hai to the Sad Clown Hookers.

Six English, four French, two Italians, token Scot, token Welsh and token Irish.

Yep, token Irish. You see unlike certain otwo editors, I firmly believed that England would be this year’s winners and that Ireland would struggle. Firmly believed, not sort of believed and then backtracked, then straddled the Welsh/French fence then jumped ship to the French. No no, I believed. (Still do obviously) And honestly, the WELSH???

See, here’s the undue cockiness and know-it-allism rearing its head. Cast your mind back eleven to twelve months and I was reading Rugby Union for Dummies (haven’t finished it yet) Wikipediaing the entire French team for someone called Aaron Orducy (never did find him) and picking Scotsmen at random to fill the hole in the pack…oh wait. Anyway the point is that I seem to have grown – not as a person obviously otherwise there would be less gloating – but as a rugby fan.

This year I knew names, I knew stats, I knew that T-Bo, lovely, lovely T-Bo was injured. I love you Tommy. And I knew that England would be the team to beat.

How did I know? Oh please, there’s only one player I even remotely follow the career of, and we all know what team he plays for.

And so we’re back to the being right. I. Was. Right.

Toby the Tiger is not only playing at ten, but OWNING at ten. Now I don’t look so stupid for picking him in that spot almost one year before he was allowed play there. Who’s laughing now eh? You see some things haven’t changed this year despite my earlier protestations to the contrary. My first team pick was to gloriously slot Toby the Tiger into that number ten position and know that there he shall remain. I even took a few minutes to be smug that he was really, really expensive. So expensive it meant I couldn’t afford BOD, but who needs BOD when you have a Tiger at ten? MJ had finally come to his senses and woke up to smell the roses (I shall mix metaphors if and how I choose) some time around June. Jonny was out, Toby was in and England were winning. (And losing but the important thing was the occasional winning.)

Then in the Autumn, when Ireland were floundering at the Aviva, Toby & Co were beating Australia again, and St Jonny was nowhere to be seen.

So yes, Floody is in and playing like a gem. And you can’t have Floody without Ben Youngs scampering about the pitch with him. You see I have learned from my mistakes with the BGB and one of those lessons was never to underestimate the scrum-half. He’s not just the little one destined for the American Smooth with Erin, he’s a real person and he has skills (unless he’s Welsh). So my half-back pairing basically picked itself and if it happens to be a Tigers half-back pairing, well you can’t fault my loyalty. Or my rightness. Right!

I’ll be honest , I had considered picking more Irish lads than my token, but the ones I wanted were injured – T-Bo, Heaslip or too expensive, and I really didn’t fancy Ireland to be scoring many tries. So it came down to who I could afford in the end, and I could afford Luke. I like Luke, he’s a nice guy, last time I saw him in person he was surrounded by 23 schoolchildren begging for autographs outside the Student Centre. And he was graciously obliging them all. So yes, a nice guy. Probably wont make the next round with the Hookers, but nice doesn’t get me many points in this game.

BFFs

As for the rest of my backs they were fairly easy to choose – it had to be Ashton and Foden really. I expected great things from Ashton after that try, and he seemed to be crossing the line every week for Northampton so I was seeing the try points mounting. I can’t be breaking up such a beautiful partnership either, so Foden was in too.

I have no idea why I chose Medard. Actually none. Awesome though.

That left one slot in the backs and around four imaginary Guinness rugby currency to fill it. Desperate times called for an Italian, and so I picked the Australian. Another Luke, go figure. I honestly didn’t expect much, so colour me surprised when he crossed the line against Ireland. Go Luke!

The forwards, oh the forwards! I might know the difference between tighthead and loosehead, but I still sometimes forget what the four and the six are called, and I’m not always sure what they’re at in that ruck, but Guinness demanded eight forwards so

He's 23!

choose I did. I went for the Leicester props, they’re the only ones I knew to be honest, and Dan Cole lives with a certain other Tiger and provides very entertaining stories about fake tan and Christmas trees. Also he scored that try that one time. Last year. Against…us? Supposedly.

On the other side, the BGB may be gone, but they’re not forgotten and neither is their poster boy. He is hairier now than ever before – except for that bald patch at the top, and he still wears his socks rolled down, and he still seems to come and go from the pitch whenever he pleases, but every Sad Clown Hooker needs a poster boy and ours was still Castro. It’s a shame about the discipline problem, there will be words. And hopefully free Italian food at Timo.

Other than that, I fancied a French affair. Harinor(like the soup)doquy was back, as was Dusautoir (so pretty). Domingo came in as actual hooker. No Heaslip this time around and Mad Dog is injured along with Tom Croft, which meant it was token time. Barclay reprised his role as token Scot and Bradley Davies was the chosen Welsh representative. I’d learned my lesson from Lee Byrne, this would be no Welsh outfit. One was the maximum, you can’t depend on them. Look what happened last year with the Ballerinas, Hook or Jones, Jones or Hook. NEITHER, that’s the answer. One Welsh man and one only. Except Adam Jones, he doesn’t count because he has such lovely hair.

And so only one choice left to make, and it was simples. Three of your imaginary Guinness rugby currency left and only one player who fit the bill. Louis Deacon, step on up and get your Sad Clown on, for you are now a Hooker.

So that’s that, the team is built and with considerably less confusion than last time. The gloating and cockiness began in earnest some time around Saturday evening last.

Check us out

Oh did I not mention who’s winning?

Alright you got me. I’ll hold my hands up and admit when I’m wrong. Although two of the games follow the overall plot that I had laid out in my head, they meandered a bit on their way to an eventual conclusion. Looking back, all fixtures had a shock or two that most of us may not have seen coming.

Wales 19-26 England

So it appears that Martin Johnson seems to have finally put the all the jigsaw pieces (or those that are not injured) together. His critics from the start will have to eat their words at the moment after he led England to their first victory in Cardiff for seven years.

England didn’t receive enough credit for their Friday night win. Key injuries to their pack and facing a Welsh backline that was at full strength, not enough praise was lavished on Toby Flood and Ben Youngs for mastering the game. It appears England are peaking yet again just in the lead up to a World Cup.

Italy 11-13 Ireland

Nothing to see here, move along. Irish side at the top of their game gave the Italian thugs a lesson in champagne rugby for about four seconds and then proceeded to struggle for the other 79 minutes 56 seconds.

Neither side deserved to win this bout. Ireland (Gordon D’Arcy) squandered possession on numerous occasions and struggled to overcome the raw physical power Italy demonstrated in the scrum. And although Italy bossed some key areas of the game, they still failed to make that count for anything.

France 34-21 Scotland

Three minutes into the game it appeared a no contest. France had already cracked out the champagne and sprayed it into the faces of Scotland when Rougerie and Medard combined well, but then Scotland scored. And even though France kept scoring tries, Scotland did as well for some reason.

Well it didn’t ruin the party that much. France still eloquently flashed some passes and principally Francois Trinh Duc chipped some delicate kicks. Still, if Scotland can score three tries against France, what’s stopping Ireland doing the same in Dublin?

Weekly awards

Beard of the week

The Super Bowl threw up a few doozies not only beards of the weekend, but beards of the century. However, this is a strictly Anglo-Irish-Brioche competition so no Americans are allowed. Morgan Parra (not Chabal) gets the Beard of the Weekend award this week for effort. He’s trying really hard, but can’t shake off that stubble look.

Fantasy Player of the week

It’s a no brainer this week. Chris Aston with a dazzling two try performance against Wales was clearly the best player to kick start any fantasy team’s season. No doubt there will be more to follow, so sign him up if you haven’t already.

Best Morgan Stoddart look alike

This weeks Morgan Stoddart lookalike of the week is, Morgan Stoddart. He made a great start to the campaign when he linked well with fellow Scarlets teammate, Jonathan Davies, to score a neatly worked try that brought Wales back into the game.

Best French name

With a whopping seven syllables (by my count), Francois Trinh Duc’s name sounds awesome and his skill set compliments his amazing French name. Adding to that, his sleak look just seems to personify his entire game.

Welcome to the University Observer Six Nations blog, where the colossal efforts of the University Observer’s sports writers will cover every aspect of the competition. Every blade of grass trudged upon by rambling forwards detailed, each backline movement analyzed to its core and no ruck left unturnedover. The blog will be your key to keeping up to date with all the trials and tribulations of the tournament.

Wales vs England Friday (Friday, 19:45)

Some rugby folk are against the notion of a Friday night kick-off. The main argument against being that everyone misses out on the near eight hour long Saturday rugby fest that stretches long into the evening. However, if there is any fixture that can stake a claim for Friday night games kicking off the Six Nations, Wales vs England fits the bill.

England will enter the realm of the Dragon desperately seeking their first victory against the Welsh in Cardiff for seven years. Wales will still feel aggrieved from last years fixture at Twickenham where they bossed the game and still ended up on the wrong side of a 30-17 scoreline.

Wales should have enough to beat England at home. It is a fixture that usually sees the home side prevail in some form with the win. Both sides have very exciting back lines that are not afraid to run the ball so it should be a brilliant spectacle.

UO Tip: Not sitting on the fence for this one. Wales victory by six-points

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Italy vs Ireland (Saturday, 14:30)

Ireland open their Six Nations campaign against Italy. Ireland convincingly beat Italy. Ireland go onto win the Grandslam. Right? It would a tough push to follow a similar plot line to that of 2009. Ireland creep into this fixture, but creep in with a refreshing looking team.

Young and adventurous wingers on either side, props that are becoming the fulcrum of the Irish scrum and the most in-form back row forward in Europe at the moment in Sean O’Brien. So for all the injuries, Ireland don’t look in too bad a shape. Italy are happily welcoming back their star no.8 and capt-í-tan Sergio Parisse. Six Nations fans will have missed his ever heroic performances for the Azzurri and should be glad to see his return.

Food for thought: Italy always seem to grab and shock win (any win against anybody is a shock) over the course of the Six Nations. Why not Ireland?

UO Tip: Ireland win by ten points. Fergus McFadden to score on his debut and Sean O’Brien man of the match.

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France vs Scotland (Saturday, 17:00)

There is no doubt Scotland will give it socks in the Stade de France on Saturday, but whether their socks will be enough to beat the French is another matter. After scoring their first try within the first two minutes after a succession of forty-three offloads, the French will have their tails pricked like a mare in season and +5 more tries will likely follow.

Luckily because this fixture is being held on a Saturday, we will get the privilege of watching the best tighthead prop in the world (Monday-Saturday inclusive), Euan Murray.

UO Tip: France to send Scotland home with their socks between their legs. Yes, between their legs!

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Players to watch this weekend

Jonathan Davies: Young, powerful, fast and attack minded, Davies is exactly what the Welsh need to kick start their campaign. The Scarlets centre has a lot of competition to contend with for the number 12 or 13 jersey due to the amount of utility backs in the Welsh ranks. His selection proves that Gatland thinks highly of him and this is the best stage for Davies to prove his worth to Wales going forward.

Fergus McFadden: Another newbie to the Six Nations ring, McFadden is a player who has blossomed under the guidance of Leinster’s coach Josef Schmidt. He has found a new home on the wing and has impressed so much for Leinster in that area that a starting berth for Ireland appeared due to Tommy Bowe being injured and Fitzgerald already deputising for the missing Kearney at full back. Don’t be surprise to see him race around his marker if given space on the outside.

Formailities:

Six Nations Winners – France (but maybe Wales)

Player of the Tournament – Imanol Harinordoquy  (but maybe Jamie Roberts)

Top try scorer – Aurelien Rougerie (but maybe Morgan Stoddart)

The moment that Killian and I found out that I had beaten him. Zelda is clearly on my side with this one.

On the positive side, I ended up fifth. I beat Killian. That was a sweetener in a sour situation. While Killian is one of my favourite people, nothing feels better than beating him. It’s a weird dynamic. Of course, like we were all expecting, Paul Fennessey won the league, by a margin of about a billion points. Colin Scally’s 119 afc came second, Matt Gregg’s Matt United came in third, my second favourite team Fun Laoghaire Pirates came fourth under the guidance of our editor Catriona Laverty, I came fifth, Stade Parfait with Killian came sixth, Gav Reilly’s The Absolutelys came seventh, with Quinton O’Reilly’s Loughbawn Celtic coming in last (sorry Quinton). It’s been a fun run. While my result wasn’t the desired, I can’t deny that I’ve had a great time attempting to come first.

However, I must admit that I have been negligent of late. I’m an instant gratification type of woman, sad but true. I only really take pleasure from things that make me feel better about myself. I don’t mind working hard at something, but the minute things start going rough, like the weeks in which I was scoring lowest, my morale dips and I lose interest. It didn’t help that I was bombarded with finishing up the paper, preparing for a massive job interview, completing my final essays and studying for my last undergraduate exams. I just lost my way. Stopped caring a bit. I began forgetting to change my team from week to week. I guess the only person I have to blame for all of this is myself.

Despite all of this, it’s been fun. While my result left much to be desired I’ve learned an awful lot. I (sort of) understand

Yeah, it may hurt Rooney, but man up a bit with that money that you're being paid.

the offside rule, I know who plays for what team and I’ve validated my belief that they’re paid far too much. For men that are paid hundreds of thousands a week, they seem pretty reluctant to actually play. Someone (possibly Zamora?) on Catriona’s team had man flu or something for like a month. I had to sell Rooney and Fabregas. These men are more pampered that a UCD student who lives in Sandymount and whose dad works in banking. Ridiculous.

I will hopefully be taking part in a league next year cos it turns out they’re gonna let me edit the paper. Hopefully there’ll be even more interest and we can have even more fun. I’ll also be doing a football players of the league countdown once I figure out who’s actually hot in football. Funnily enough, rugby is full of delicious men, but football is lacking, so I’ve got quite a job ahead of me.

So, for the last time, despite my recent apathy and bitchiness, I’ll say GO TEAM NEWS! It’s been fun, but now it’s time to think up next year’s team name.

In short, it was brilliant. Killian tagged along and we had so much fun. Sure, the rugby was good, but the overall atmosphere was what really made it for me. We were sitting in press overflow and I couldn’t believe how good the seats were. It was made even better by Catriona meeting her friend’s boyfriend, who was working as a steward and who got us tea. Tea and rugby! It was brilliant.

So regal and billowing.

When the teams first came out, I was stuck by Adam Jones. Having talked about his wonderful hair for months, actually seeing it was just incredible. It billowed in the wind like a majestic flag and I almost wanted to start supporting Ospreys. However, we were surrounded by die-hard fans who had paid fifty euro to sit in the good seats. Catriona and I decided that cheering for Adam Jones would not have been a good idea.

The people we were surrounded with turned out to be as entertaining as the match itself. The highlight was the family sitting in front of us. Elegantly coiffured Mum, enthusiastic Dad, three shrieking, rugby mad children and a nanny. In short, the children were hilarious. The screeched with the passion of football hooligans, but in children’s language. “REF YOU’RE A SILLY DUMMY!” was a clear highlight. They were hyped up on sugar and the atmosphere and wanted everyone to be as excited as they were. When one of them noticed that their mother wasn’t screeching, he demanded to know why, and she replied “I am cheering, darling. I’m doing it mentally.” This is clearly the best response to your crazed children. In the furore, one of the kids then lost a tooth and started proudly showing off the bloody socket to his brothers. Then the two other brothers decided to start kissing each other. I’m not really

A dramatic reconstruction of the child at the match

sure why, but the father’s reaction of total mortification was hilarious. At various points throughout the match, he kept turning around and apologising for his children, which was needless because they made the match.

Now, back to the rugby. No one really famous played. Jamie Heaslip was there, as was Shane Horgan, Gordon D’arcy and Cian Healy, but I wanted to see Rob Kearney and Brian O’Driscoll. Despite this, the match was excellent. I admit that I had to ask which side Leinster were scoring at, but once I got into it, it was really fun. Isa Nacewa was really good. He darted in and out of the Ospreys and was able to run really, really fast. I know this sounds simplistic, but that’s the kind of thing I noticed. I’ve never been someone who was interested in sport, but the atmosphere and the teams getting down to it, really sucked me in.

There were low points. Catriona and I went in search of the press area for the mythical free soup, but were lead around in circles. Each steward we asked led us in a totally different direction. Eventually, we trudged back to our seats, minus our free soup. Killian demanded to know why there was no free soup and then got freaked out that we had humiliated him in the press area, which he had warned us not to do all week. We had our free teamsheets, programmes and tea, so we didn’t mind so much about the soup, but tormenting Killian with our mythical adventures in the press box seemed like the best idea. At dinner afterward, Catriona told him that I had tripped in the press room and fallen onto Gerry Thornley’s lap with my skirt flying up. She then told him that she’d mentioned both his name and the paper’s and the look of horror and upset on his face was so awful that we had to tell him the truth.

The second half was as fun as the first, but Catriona got offended when I made a joke about Dan Biggar converting his own try (“it’s just getting Biggar and Biggar!”). I had to let Killian explain that the ball needs to go out of play before the game could end because I honestly could not understand why they were playing over time and why there was no injury time. According to Killian, because rugby is more stop/start, they pause the timer when things stop instead of adding on injury time the way football does. In the end, Leinster won 20 – 16, but Ospreys put up an excellent fight. We were sitting beside Ospreys’ coach, who got super shouty toward the end, but I didn’t mind, because he had a beautiful new Macbook that I fell in love with.

Oh hai Bridget and Catriona.

The end of the match proved to be a highlight for one simple reason. Mike Phillips. We had resigned ourselves to Tommy Bowe not coming on, but when we heard that Phillips was on the bench, Catriona and I got quite upset. However, when Phillips came on, in his lovely white jersey and tight shorts, we both were cheered up immensely. I’d like to think that he did it especially for us. Catriona is going to move to Swansea and marry him.

It was fun to finally experience live sport and I will definitely be back to the RDS to cheer Leinster on, as I’m sure Catriona will be. The closeness of Donnybrook means that you can get dinner before or after. We opted for Tenors, which was delicious and excellent value. The atmosphere really made it and there was as much going on in our seats as on the pitch. There’s nothing like it, even if I was afraid the rugby ball was going to smack me in the face. I was that kid in school. You may think live sport isn’t for you, but, trust me, if I can do it, so can anyone. It’s the most fun I’ve had in ages and I’ll definitely be back, with my urban family in tow.

You may be wondering what I’m doing here, but she totally said I could hijack guest star in her blog, and it’s my paper anyway so there.

I had to come on and give all the gossip for the weekend, mainly because my team, the FunLaoghaire Pirates, are riding high in third place. Bridget will likely be storing up her ire to be released on this page relatively soon since Team News have slipped a couple of places to sixth. I’m not sure if she knows yet, so be gentle – especially about the part where Stade Parfail are moving up the table.

I really didn’t see this coming, and I feel bad for telling her that Fabregas is so last month and Lampard is the new April. I don’t think it’s a sign though, I firmly believe that Team News will be soaring above us all in a couple more weeks – this is just a blip.

It’s been a trying time for us Fantasy Premier League managers, we all lost Rooney and now quite a few have lost their Fabregas as well. Luckily, I had no idea who Fabregas was when picking the FunLaoghaire Pirates, and so never bought him. I did have Wayne though, and his silly sprained ankle left a very hairy-chested, big-eared Wayne-shaped hole in my eh…front row. Whatever it’s called, Rooney is no longer in it, and since he’s probably not going to be back for a few weeks, I cut him loose.

Then I brought some of my tactical thinking from the world of fantasy rugby into the world of football. As it turns out, they are not the same sport and just because Toby the Tiger can kick doesn’t mean I can play him here.

Worse yet was that Chelsea were playing Man Utd. I honestly hadn’t a clue which way that game would go, and I decided that since I already had Malouda and Evra, bringing in a Chelsea striker wasn’t a good idea. I think it was a good plan, especially when Man City were playing Burnley.

Poor Burnley by the way. I mean really, three nil down within seven minutes is just sad – way harsh Man City. On the plus side picking Tevez as captain banked the FunLaoghaire Pirates a very nice 24 points. And unlike Bridget, I couldn’t care less if he cheated on his wife – morals have no place in fantasy sport.

I’m very happy with the Pirates at the moment, most of you wont know them really so let me introduce you. In goals we have Sorensen, he’s come back swinging in the last fortnight after I rested him a few weeks ago. Then in defence we have Evra, Dunne and Baines. Corluka would be there too but he’s injured himself, and Insua mainly sits on the bench keeping it warm. The midfield consists of Milner, Malouda, Etherington and Bowyer. Yes I have Bowyer, I was going to get rid but I couldn’t afford it last week and then he scored so he got one more chance. Milner didn’t play this week for some reason but he’s been one of the Pirates most consistent players. Up front then are Tevez, Bent and Zamora. Tevez as we know netted himself and the Pirates 24 points this week, while Zamora is whinging about Manflu. For some reason the fact that he didn’t play doesn’t bother me as much as when one (or four) of the Beards didn’t play, even though I only have one eligible sub and he came on for James. Maybe I’m not as invested in the Pirates as I am in the Beards, I guess we just didn’t bond from the off. Anyway where was I, ah yes Bent. He would have scored as many points as Tevez were it not for missing those two penalties, and really what were Spurs at? I’m asking you Paul Fennessy, where was their mental strength on Saturday?

Which brings me to my most niggly of niggling problems: since selling Wayne I have a 4.3 million surplus in the bank and I want to use it soooooo bad. It’s the itchy trigger finger rearing its ugly head again, I have a transfer for this week and I have the cash to spare so why not right? Wrong.

No thank you

I like the Pirates as they are (this week) and even though Fulham and Stoke have a double game week, I don’t really want to sell any of my current players to bring in a new one. But seeing that money just sitting there is ever so slowly wearing my down. And that means that I’m going to do something stupid like waste eight points trying to rearrange the team to fit Lampard. I don’t want Lampard, and we don’t need Lampard thank you very much.

So, does anyone want 4.3 million imaginary pounds?

Just a bit... blah

Now that Fabregas is gone, I had to find someone amazing to replace him. Of course, I decided that I wanted Frank Lampard and I wanted him now. Sure, he’s dating Christine Bleakley from The One Show but beggars can’t be choosers. She’s one of those people that I just cannot like, even though she was quite good on Strictly Come Dancing, a programme that Catriona and I watched religiously last semester, and she water-skiied across the British Channel for dying orphans or something. Frank Lampard has always seemed a bit dodgy to me, for reasons unknown. All of this paranoid disliking of people is clearly painting me as some sort of psycho.

Anyway, back on track. I was chatting to Catriona in a post-sixth-place depressive state. I had already used my free transfer for the week getting rid of Rooney and needed to sell Fabregas and Dawson to get Lampard and a random defender. I really couldn’t afford to take the eight point hit that would come with making this change, but I really wanted Lampard.

Then I remembered my wildcard. I hadn’t used it yet, even though the Premier League is over in about a month. I told Catriona defiantly that I was using it, it was dead to me. Her response was “No. No, actually, do!” We were both in agreement that Fabregas needs to man up, like I’ve told him to so many times. He doesn’t seem to understand that this isn’t just about him. There’s so much more at stake here than his stupid leg. I don’t care anyway, now I have Lampard and Drogba. My new Fabregas and Rooney.

When I sold Dawson and Fabregas, I bought Gael Givet. I know, I have no idea who he is either, but he seemed to be the

So French and so cleansheet hopefully!

best value and he has the same name as the delectable Mexican actor Gael Garcia Bernal. Of course, I went to Google Images to check him out and he’s actually quite cute. And French! I think. He plays for Blackburn, who I don’t have any other players from, so the change in jersey further adds to the rainbow nature of Team News.

I’m hopeful for week 33 but I’ve noticed something funny. With the binning of Rooney and Fabregas and the buying of Givet, Lampard and Drogba, Team News have changed their main jersey colour from red to blue. The Team News strip is pink and purple, but the jerseys on my team sheet are all nice and blue. I’m hoping that this is a metaphor that my new, switched up team will bring me the calm and serenity that blue connotes, instead of the fiery stress of red.

Here’s hoping…

I arrived back in the office, sweaty and red-faced, after a couple of hours energetically (lazily) distributing Issue 11 in the rain with Catriona. What awaited me on my lovely News Mac was a print out of the league. I am now not even fourth. I’m sixth. Behind Stade Parfail. I didn’t think I could even sink this low. Sixth? I didn’t even know that this position existed from my lofty heights. It’s true though, Team News have sunk lower than ever before. Depression has taken hold, but I swear that this isn’t the end!

He poses for Team News now

Rooney is out for four weeks, and because I’m ruthless, he’s been swiftly cut. I have no mercy, despite all he’s done for me. I’m sixth. Desperate measures must be taken. I have drafted in Didier Drogba and he has the distinction of being the first player in a long time that I haven’t had to Google Images because I already knew who he was. He’s been put as my captain for the time being, but we’ll see how this week goes.

I wanted to sell Dunne, but Killian convinced me that he’d just had a bad week. I’ve decided to trust him, but if I see minus points by his name again, he’s dead to me. Fabregas, or Bridget’s Toby Flood as I have now christened him, will always be a member of Team News, even if someone snaps his leg off mid-match. I must also say that Craddock has been exceptional for someone I just bought as filler. Similarly, Pienaar has been amazing for someone that I chose solely because I thought their name was funky.

Team News will be back on top, mark my words. I will not be receiving a wooden spoon. I’m too awesome for that sort of carry on and so are my team.

As a quick aside, my fellow Fantasy Girl and rugby fanatic Catriona was forced to hang up her scrum cap this week as

Craddock has truly been my port in the storm

the Six Nations ended. Her blog has been wonderful and hilarious. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it. But, fear not! Fantasy Girls never say die! I have asked her to continue to blog, just on her own fantasy football team, the Fun Laoghaire Pirates. She’s been a great colleague, writing partner and boss throughout the year, so I couldn’t very well let her go homeless. So, now I say, go Team News and Fun Laoghaire Pirates!

In other and better news, Fantasy Girls has been shortlisted by the lovely people at Oxygen for Blog of the Year at the Student Media Awards. Fingers crossed, because then we’ll have truly beaten the boys!

5. Thierry Dusautoir

The first of the French men to make the cut, Thierry loses out on a higher spot by virtue of his name. No one will ever be able to cleanse the name Thierry in the eyes of the Irish, so the only hope for his nibs to move up the table is a deed poll. Might I suggest Jean-Luc, like that other captain? He looked very thrilled when collecting the Six Nations trophy in Paris, not that anyone watching it on RTÉ would have known since there was an ad for 11850 on at the time. But I saw it Thierry, I see everything you do. (I don’t mean that in a creepy way, just that I google him a lot.)

4. Tommy Bowe

Oh Tommy, with your dulcet Monaghan tones and lovely singing voice, you exude cheekiness with every move. We love how you scamper down the pitch with ball in hand. We love how you look so delighted with yourself when you score, like a puppy who dug up the dead pet cat. We love how you play with your gum shield.

We love you T-Bo.

3. Mike Phillips

You were a revelation on matchday five Mike Phillips, and although I initially disliked you for usurping Richie Rees and costing the Big Gay Beards precious points, I couldn’t stay mad for long. The rugged Welshness is the most obvious factor, and combined with the accent, there’s really no hope for anyone bumping you from the list. You’re safe here Mike, so why do you never call?

2. Clement Poitrenaud

Featured prominently in a previous editon of Rugby Fantasies, it was only natural that he make the final grade. He narrowly misses out on number one spot, but that doesn’t mean anyone would say no should he tweet. Well, unless he tweeted in French like Chabal. Even so, who cares what he says as long as there are pictures? And there are a lot of pictures – he models part-time to make ends meet you know. Sadly most of them unsuitable for a family blog like this, so here’s one of him reading the paper. He can read too!

1. Johnnie Beattie

Crystal wear!

Where have you been hiding John Beattie? Yes the Killer B not in the Beards is the one to top the list here, I stand by my initial selection of token Scot, but if we could have 16 players like Ospreys, Johnnie would be the one. He wouldn’t be allowed do anything obviously, couldn’t risk the face. If only News Editor and I had paid closer attention to the Scottish team we might have made an effort to hang around Croke Park after the Ireland match. Alas his discovery was tainted by the shock of losing – but hey, we got over it. Who wouldn’t?