Rugby Fantasies #14

 
 

I didn’t exactly agree with the official Player of the Tournament results, so I decided to try my hand at creating my own top five. Alas even the vast improvement in rugby knowledge that the last three months have brought wasn’t enough for me to actually know who played very well from who played pretty well. But pretty is something I am much more adept at judging, and even though this is a sports blog, it’s a girl’s sports blog which means we can blend talent and attractiveness in one convenient package (well five convenient packages really). So without further ado, except to say that this post possibly invalidates everything previously written here about Fantasy Six Nations and may be the most stereotypical thing…ever, here is the girls-who-know-little-about-rugby-but-do-know-what-looks-good Top Five Players of the Tournament.

5. Thierry Dusautoir

The first of the French men to make the cut, Thierry loses out on a higher spot by virtue of his name. No one will ever be able to cleanse the name Thierry in the eyes of the Irish, so the only hope for his nibs to move up the table is a deed poll. Might I suggest Jean-Luc, like that other captain? He looked very thrilled when collecting the Six Nations trophy in Paris, not that anyone watching it on RTÉ would have known since there was an ad for 11850 on at the time. But I saw it Thierry, I see everything you do. (I don’t mean that in a creepy way, just that I google him a lot.)

4. Tommy Bowe

Oh Tommy, with your dulcet Monaghan tones and lovely singing voice, you exude cheekiness with every move. We love how you scamper down the pitch with ball in hand. We love how you look so delighted with yourself when you score, like a puppy who dug up the dead pet cat. We love how you play with your gum shield.

We love you T-Bo.

3. Mike Phillips

You were a revelation on matchday five Mike Phillips, and although I initially disliked you for usurping Richie Rees and costing the Big Gay Beards precious points, I couldn’t stay mad for long. The rugged Welshness is the most obvious factor, and combined with the accent, there’s really no hope for anyone bumping you from the list. You’re safe here Mike, so why do you never call?

2. Clement Poitrenaud

Featured prominently in a previous editon of Rugby Fantasies, it was only natural that he make the final grade. He narrowly misses out on number one spot, but that doesn’t mean anyone would say no should he tweet. Well, unless he tweeted in French like Chabal. Even so, who cares what he says as long as there are pictures? And there are a lot of pictures – he models part-time to make ends meet you know. Sadly most of them unsuitable for a family blog like this, so here’s one of him reading the paper. He can read too!

1. Johnnie Beattie

Crystal wear!

Where have you been hiding John Beattie? Yes the Killer B not in the Beards is the one to top the list here, I stand by my initial selection of token Scot, but if we could have 16 players like Ospreys, Johnnie would be the one. He wouldn’t be allowed do anything obviously, couldn’t risk the face. If only News Editor and I had paid closer attention to the Scottish team we might have made an effort to hang around Croke Park after the Ireland match. Alas his discovery was tainted by the shock of losing – but hey, we got over it. Who wouldn’t?

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