Quinn’s Bizzness – SU Election Special

 
 

Above: Students at the election hustings in early March. Photo credit: Louise Flanagan


Following the Students’ Union elections last week, Jess “the Captain” Quinn reflects on the results.


 

Greetings friends, enemies and everyone in between. Ever feel like that guy who fell into the vomit pit during the Iron Stomach? That’s how I feel with my current GPA. We’re currently at that time in the semester where you should be starting to revise, or in my case, vise. Realistically now is the time where you start mastering the skill of procrastination and find a new show on Netflix. A true master will be 3 seasons deep in a week. As someone who regrets everything they have ever done, I would advise you to at least log into Blackboard. Or if you’re one of those people that ‘omg totally never studies’ and still gets an A+, why don’t you just go swallow a rat whole, like the snake that you are.

With the SU Elections it has been an exciting few weeks here at UCD. A recent study was also published that states how exciting you find student politics is directly proportional to how pathetic your life is. Personally I found the results to be an ‘anti-Climax’. I’m still waiting for them to announce that Moonlight has actually won President. Am I still allowed to make Oscars jokes, or are they old news? What’s this month’s joke? Oh yeah, Ed Sheeran’s new album. His new music is what the vomit between the cobblestones on Temple Bar would sound like if it could sing. As a Limerick native, I take offense to the fact that ‘Galway Girl’ is based on a woman from Limerick. Why not call the song Limerick Lady? C’mon Ed, Limerick needs something. All we have are the Rubberbandits, gang crime novels and Ballygowan water.

A recent study was also published that states how exciting you find student politics is directly proportional to how pathetic your life is.

Speaking of things that could do with some good press, we have a new President elect, Ms Ascough. It really is quite the comeback story to go from being the organiser of a disastrous referendum loss, to being the SU President. Elected by the huge majority of 113 votes, this is the most votes an elected president has ever gotten. There was also a crowd greater in number to hear her victory speech than there ever was at Obama’s. Source: Sean Spicer.

Not everyone was impressed with the result, and people were crying impeach before she had even time to do a handstand. I suppose it must be devastating to have spent your whole college life in the SU, only to lose the election to someone who took the SU up as a hobby last semester, (@HillaryClinton).

The most surprising part of all this for me was, why do people care so much? The SU doesn’t matter. Just try and name all our current sabbatical officers and one thing they each have done that affects the world or your life in any way? Conor Viscardi is not authorising airstrikes on Syria. Lexi Kilmartin is not selling weapons to Saudi Arabia. Luke has never broken up with Taylor Swift. Our Welfare Officer has never met the Russian Ambassador to the US. Although there are rumours that Cian adds the milk first when making a cup of tea.

Why should she be impeached? She hasn’t even taken office yet. That’s like firing someone before they’ve even started. It’s not fair and it’s not democratic, so calm down. ‘But how can she be the President if she’s Pr-’ Shhh, she’s a pro-life person, not a pro-life candidate. She’s a pro-microwave candidate and we’re a pro-choice SU. That changing is as likely as Blackrock campus moving to Belfield. To reassure LGBTQ+ students, Centra are now replacing BLT sandwiches with LGBTQ+ sandwiches.

There was also a crowd greater in number to hear her victory speech than there ever was at Obama’s. Source: Sean Spicer.

I think we can learn a lot from the reaction of the student body. It was pretty embarrassing and immature for so called academics. Disagreeing with someone doesn’t give you the right to bully them. Being rude and yelling your views doesn’t make you more correct, it makes you look like a dick. Making mean memes and posting them anonymously on Facebook doesn’t make you hilarious, it’s childish and can have devastating consequences on those that are targeted.

Go easy on them. All our newly elected sabbats are going to waste a year of their lives working hard, achieving nothing and being the punchline of all of my jokes. If you feel oppressed by the SU, (persecuted, if you will), in any way, you can take the 145, 46A or any other bus to get away from campus and onwards to freedom. Don’t be a whinge bag and say you’re gonna leave the SU in protest. The only other people who have done that are students who got their knickers in a twist over the pro-choice mandate’s introduction in 2014. Just be happy that the Unity referendum passed. Chants of ‘Up the RA’ could be heard from the Clubhouse. Hurray for a terrorist organisation!

The Strike for Repeal movement was a roaring success with O’Connell bridge being completely jammed and Dublin coming to a standstill. However, it didn’t make headline news as more important stories needed to be shared. Those stories were the increase in the price of stamps and a sea arch in Malta collapsing. Oh well, I’m going to continue advocating for feminism until my voice becomes so hoarse that I get mistaken for a man, and the world actually starts listening to me. Some people couldn’t attend the march because they couldn’t take the day off work. I was able to attend, probably because my only occupation is family disappointment.

With all the terrible things going on in the world, do you ever feel like nothing matters and we should just give up. Well, I’m here to tell you that you matter. Unless you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

 

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