In true PFA fashion, The Badger hands out his end-of-season awards before the actual climax of the season

Sports Personality of the Year: Don’t Push It

Unfortunately the Badger is not actually proud of you, Tony McCoy, for finally winning the Aintree Grand National. Any man who commits so much dedication to a diet that consists of peppermints and chewing gum deserves no general recognition whatsoever. You sit up there beating a horse with a stick, and then take all the plaudits for winning an acclaimed historic race.

The Badger is going to praise the real champions in all this. Congratulations, Don’t Push It, you are the University Observer Sports Personality of the Year and thoroughly deserve the award. You throw yourself over ridiculously tall mounds of shrubbery, and courageously agree to carry these midget freak people on your back at the same time. Well done: you are a worthy winner.

Best Footballer in the World, Literally: Lionel Messi

Forget your Ronaldos, your Gerrards, your Lampards and your Drogbas of this world, Lionel Messi is undoubtedly the best footballer to grace our green earth at the moment. He is going to cap off an excellent season, which has seen him score 40 goals in all competitions, with a flurry of mesmerising performances on the high veldt this summer, and possibly lead his side to World Cup victory.

Pain in the Arsène of the year: Arsène Wenger

For this season and the many previous, football fans have had to cope with the constant mumblings of Arsène Wenger. His unrelenting accusations that players, referees and managers were out to get him have nagged the Badger for long enough now. Therefore, Wenger is the comprehensive winner of this prestigious award.

Thankfully vindication came recently when his side took on an in form Barcelona team that was in no mood for his ramblings. After years of protesting that Arsenal play football the right way and other teams should not disrupt it, he taught his team to be a collective bunch of hypocrites by trying to kick Barcelona out of the game. He was humiliated for his tactics as Barcelona embarrassed Wenger and his world-class selection of super toddlers.

Sub-awards

The Graham Rowntree Cauliflower Ears of the Year award: Martin Johnson

The Bowyer Ex-Con Footballer of the Year award: Marlon King

Cheat of the Year (sponsored by the Ashley Cole School of Adultery): Ashley Cole

Bottlers of the Year: England 2010 World Cup squad