Mittens squeezes out some more warm, moist truth-blobs onto your unyielding lap

Aries March 21 – April 20

An arcane ritual celebrating the anniversary of the day on which you burst forth in an Alienesque manner will take place soon. Beware this pagan witchery.

Taurus April 21 – May 21

You’re going to be unable to sleep on the night before your first exam, and will consequently fail.

Gemini May 22 – June 21

You smell of cabbage. Fetid cabbage. You do not believe this to be the case. However, this is largely due to the fact that years of fetidness have caused you to become acclimatised to the fetid nature of your being.

Cancer June 22 – July 23

Did you know that’s it’s possible to purchase pubic lice online, for the specific purpose of infesting your enemies? Terrible stuff.

Leo July 24 – August 23

The future is bright; the future is potato.

Virgo August 24 – September 23

Sophisticated economic analysis suggests that you should re-invest your entire portfolio in toasters. Hedge this bet by borrowing half again and investing that on call options for more toasters.

Libra September 24 – October 23

When walking down the concourse past the library tomorrow, the boom of a small yacht will swing around and hit you quite hard in the nose. This will only serve to perturb you further.

Scorpio October 24 – November 22

More tea, vicar?

Sagittarius November 23 – December 22

As you sit here, reading the paper, your bicycle is getting stolen outside.

Capricorn December 23 – January 23

Is that a Colt Python .357 Magnum revolver in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me? Oh, it is a Colt Python .357 Magnum revolver. Carry on, then.

Aquarius January 21 – February 19

This fortnight, a pigeon will take an extravagant poo on you.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Hi Mam!