Want to know what celebrities are twittering on about these days? We’ve rounded up this fortnight’s biggest twats for your perusal.

@ladygaga warming up for the show. i can hear u screaming from my dressing room. slutty little monsters.

Lady Gaga manages to make herself sound like a serial killer – as if we didn’t suspect it already. It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose.

@planetjedward Did anyone when they were really young used to think you could smell through the phone?

I think it’s safe to say that you’re on your own there, boys. It’s a wonder these two don’t hurt themselves more.

@tyrabanks EVERYBODY DRINK SOME WATER RIGHT NOW. I HAVEN’T HAD ENOUGH TODAY. NOT GOOD FOR THE ZIT ZAPPING. GOTTA FLUSH

More evidence, as if any was needed, as to the certifiable insanity of Tyra Banks. If you ever encounter her, probably safest to just back away slowly.

@KirstieMAllsopp Archers fans – did Helen know the father of Annette’s baby?

Keepin’ it rock n’ roll there Kirstie. You go on with your bad self.

@phlaimeaux just shaken hands with man on train to Harrogate who then told me he loves me in I.T Crowd. ONCE AGAIN, I AM NOT CHRIS O’DOWD

David O’Doherty divas out over a case of mistaken identity. To be fair, DOD, Chris O’Dowd is probably famouser. Take what you can get, dude.

@perezhilton Yeah, bitch! You’re 16. You’re not a fucking baby! You’re old enough to have another abortion and go to jail!

Objectionable human being and blogger Perez Hilton spares a few choice words for one of his loyal followers. Charming.

@heidimontag catching up on sleep! i couldnt fall asleep due to the pain I was in! I am so excited for a new day!

Someone probably should have explained that pain is a side effect of having surgeons chop up your face until it’s basically unrecognisable before she had the surgery.