I’m becoming violent and it’s amazing. Fantasy football has turned me into a hooligan. If my team were real, I’d be the person screaming about my colleagues’ team’s mothers being prostitutes. I’m one step away from shouting “You’re shit, aaaaaah” at Killian when he walks in the door, and about three steps away from beating someone up and throwing a Molotov Cocktail.

I have gone a bit crazy. People in the office look at me strangely when I go on a rant about how I LOVE WINNING. Second is as high as I will ever get, because ahead of me is sports legend himself, Paul Fennessy of Fenno on Sport. I figure second is something to be celebrated. Where we previously talked about James Marsden and Strictly Come Dancing, Editor Catriona and I now almost exclusively GChat about our fantasy teams.

Halfway into my second gameweek, things are clearly looking rosy. I don’t really have any desire to change my team. My only real hiccup so far has been neglecting to realise that FA Cup games won’t actually give me points. Killian points these things out to me with everlasting patience while I throw tantrums like a petulant toddler.

Rooney is a godsend, as is Crouch. I knew he was good for more than dance moves. My Aston Villa defenders – I don’t know their names – are also serving me quite well.

I’m loving the brilliant atmosphere it brings to the office. We all await football match results with baited breath and I’m actually becoming interested in the sport. My father will be so proud when I go home and don’t blank him when he talks it.

On an slightly related note… Given the fact that I dismissed Ashley Cole and Jermain Defoe for being love rats, I’m quite glad I didn’t pick John Terry. Taking up with your best friend’s girlfriend who is also your wife’s best friend is not only tacky, but careless. Team News remains clean of love rats, at least until the next scandal breaks!