“Break that fast with the big Irish” says Jake O’Brien – the perfect cure for hunger, hangovers and healthy hearts (the breakfast, that is, not Jake)

Serves one, and I mean one only:
3 Sausages
3 Smoked Rashers
2 White Pudding
2 Black Pudding
2 Hash Brown
1 Fried Egg
Beans
1 Grilled Tomato
2 Slices of Toast
Butter (Kerrygold)
[What about the mushrooms??? - Ed]

This may seem like a lot. Some would even go as far as to call this excess. These people are wrong. So very, very wrong. Lock these naysayers in the attic with their cross-trainers and herbal tea and get down to business.

Whip out the grill, for pretty much everything, and a frying pan for the egg. Hash browns can be taken care of either way. The sausages and rashers can be done in the grill, giving about double the time for the sausages as you would for the rashers. These should take no longer than twenty minutes during which time you must remember to turn the goddamn things!

Fine. Burn them. See if we care. While you are at it you can lick the nearest chimney.

Now, if nothing is on fire, whack the sliced pudding on the grill with the halved tomato and hash browns. Turn them! While all of this is happening find a place to keep the bacon warm. It is of the upmost importance that you keep the bacon warm. When all of these items are reaching the end of their stay on the esteemed grill, heat up the frying pan with a healthy dose of vegetable oil. Once it is unreasonably hot, crack a large egg straight into it.

This, however, is a point of serious academic debate. How do you, the readers, take your eggs? I don’t care. Just leave them in the pan longer than four minutes if you want them not to be runny. Mmmmm! A fine texture of rubber. Freaks.

Heat the beans in a pan, butter some toast and congregate this greasy excuse for a society on a large plate.

Optional accompaniments include: Ketchup, fried mushrooms (ah! there they are), marmalade, and the morning paper.

Mandatory accompaniments include: a pot of Barry’s [Lyons! - Ed] Tea, a bowl of sugar, and a half pint (or two) of Guinness to brave the Tuesday ahead.

Christ almighty! It’s only Tuesday!