Having seen her twenty-five No votes cast in vain, the Arts Block Cat returns to smash her crystal ball right in your faceAries
March 21 – April 19
Because Neptune is aligned with Chiron, now is a fortuitous time for you. Ask everyone you meet today to go on a date with you. Someone could say yes, though as ever, it’s highly unlikely.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Mars is powerful influence for you this fortnight. And at two for €1, who could say no?

Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Uranus’ presence is determining the behaviour of those around you. Maybe wear bigger trousers.

Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Instead of predicting your future, I’m going for a latté and a spot of Whiskas. Meh.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
You’re very likely to burn the dinner this evening. Don’t be too worried about it, though: much worse is going to happen you this fortnight.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The stars have a message for you, but they have hidden it, using an arcane system of encryption, in the posters along the concourse. Stare at every single one for five minutes and enlightenment will come.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
Even though eating three breakfast rolls in half an hour may seem unachievable now, if you practise, and – most importantly – believe in yourself, you too can join the ranks of Jeremy Kyle greatness.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
How old was that poor little chap? The stars advise that you should invest in a decent lawyer.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
True love is a possibility for you, and that possibility is outside Quinn School, elegantly smoking a thin filter-tipped European cigarette. Offer her half your ham sandwich to ingratiate yourself.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Astrological lore has it that Jupiter is not only the biggest, but also the luckiest planet. Being enormous, spherical and purple with a large red dot is not working out quite so well for you just yet, but if you persist, the rewards will surely be bountiful. Go on, have more cake.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
It’s just eleven months until The Iron Stomach competition. The presence of Orion in the north-eastern sky indicates that if you start training right away, you could be the one to finally dethrone The Cosgrove.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
I know the wireless in your house has stopped working, but it’s just not my place to comment on it. I don’t dabble in the occult, y’see.