Oh those pesky hickeys. Whatever can we do? Farouq Manji investigates the removal of the love bite and the ravages of eye puffiness.

We are all familiar with the scenario: our girlfriend gives us a wicked-awesome hickey for us to show off to ‘the boys’. And then we realise – Mother – will see said ‘hickey’ over morning porridge and crumpets, and subsequently destroy our life.

And as a result, we stay up all night trying various remedies to get rid of the accursed (yet awesome) love-spot.

And when the 7:45 breakfast-bell sounds, you have 2 problems – a kick-ass hickey (pardon the pun) and red puffy eyes from crying at 3:00am from sheer exhaustion and surrender.

So what should you have tried? Hickeys are really only bruises – tiny, ruptured blood vessels under the skin leading to discolouration. Sadly, there are no reliable cures for them – not even toothpaste. Once formed, they are around for a while.

Luckily, you can always beat the dust out of your mum’s 1993 ill-advised taupe turtleneck, and saunter into the kitchen. Another remedy, for those of an artistic inclination, involves stealing your sister’s concealer and going Picasso on that bruise. But what about puffy-eye for the lover-boy?

There are a few anecdotal remedies that could help. Some advise haemorrhoid cream, which constricts fine blood vessels and could reduce puffiness. Over-use can lead to allergic reactions and your friends calling you ‘bum-face’. And rightly so. Caffeinated teabags however, are an effective (and less smelly) alternative. The classic – cucumber slices – will also relieve the area as they have a water content of around 96 per cent and are excellent body rehydrators and contain ascorbic acid (Vitamin C) and caffeic acid, fiber, along with minerals like silica, potassium and magnesium, which will help rejuvenate you.

Or, you could dawn your mum’s ill-advised 1993 humongous-sun glasses, and saunter out into rainy Dublin.